Lincoln stinks

It started out innocent enough.

My bff texted me. She wanted to know when Central school closed down.

I went there in 1993, before I switched to the Catholic school.

I wasn't completely sure, so I did what I usually do when I don't know something.

I called my Mom.

We figured out that the school that replaced Lincoln opened in 1995. So, Lincoln closing in May of 1995 was a pretty good guess.

I relayed that message to bff.

I'm kind of anal about knowing the answers to questions. While I can't pretend to know everything, I do know how to ask people questions and find the answers to them.

I made a career out of doing that. Usually, I could get on their nerves until they answered the question. (Yeah FOIA requests!)

But I also need to double check everything. Again, it's in my genes.

My Mom's answer, while it was a good guess, was just a guess. To verify that, I emailed the school district's PIO, who proabably has better things to do.

(PIO = Public information officer, for those that don't speak journalism.)

She emailed me back right away. Lincoln closed in May of 1995.

I'm proud of myself for fact checking that. (I also really like being right.)

But the conversation didn't end there. There's a song that we used to sing as kids: Sacred Heart let a fart and that's why Lincoln stinks.

I'll let you read the following conversation.

For clarification purposes: I went to both schools.

Also, I did not email the PIO about the song. If I don't get an answer, I might.

I have this little personality flaw that makes me unable to let things go. If I don't know something, I have to find the answer.

I can't even begin to describe how much it bugs me when there's a question in my life that I'll never have the answer to.

It drives me crazy.

Ooh snap!

Ha, ha. We're 31 years old, have a few degrees between us, live on opposite sides of the state, and we're having a conversation about something that happened when we were 10.

Schools close, jobs change and boyfriends fade away.

Those friends that you've had for 21 years? They're forever.

I love these people.

FYI, don't Google the song. It doesn't help.

We knew that already.

Random thoughts I've been having over the past few days, part 1.

Always going to fly away, just because you know you can. You'll never grow up, you're never going to be a man, Peter Pan.

-----

It's different for girls. 

-----

From a blog post I wrote earlier this year. I borrowed the words from the amazing Bloggess:

"So, long story short, there’s something wrong with me but we knew that already."

"If you are healthy today go and enjoy the shit out of this day because it’s a godamn gift."

----- 

I guess I really ought to call and thank you. 

-----

If you find your way back, I owe you a beer for me record year.

-----

My liver is enlarged. And I have an infection. An infection in a liver is a form of food poisoning. The bloodwork I got back the other day confirmed that...my liver, while large, does not have an infection.

And my spleen is fine. It's not being an asshole after all.

To sum it up:

"So, long story short, there's something wrong with me but we knew that already."

"If you are healthy today go and enjoy the shit out of this day because it's a goddamn gift."

#shitpugparentssay

Things I've said to my dogs over the past few days:

Guys, quit being bitches to each other. We love each other. (re: bones)

Get your ass out of my face.

I like you, but I don't want to make out with you. Stop it.

Don't step on my boobs. I don't step on your boobs.

Get your ass off my pillow.

Pugs.

Test results

My health care provider was concerned about my spleen. I was, too.

I got a sonogram done, and I got the results back.

This is how the medical world works. 

Oceans

The tooth fairy

Someone lost a tooth in my house. And, for once, it wasn't me.

#puglife

Happy Monday to me.

Today started out weird.

I had some weird, weird dreams. I woke up in a weird mood.

But, today is a new day and a new week. Let's be happy!

I got ready fairly early, and I opened my front door to walk out to my car. I was greeted by the world's largest spider, who overnight had built the world's most beautiful spider web right in front of my face.

I went back inside to grab my phone. I wanted to see if I could take a picture of the spider and its web.

In the middle of this, my dog ran out the front door. In order to catch her, I had to run head first through the beautiful spider web.

Did I mention that the HUGE SPIDER was in that web?

I got my dog, and didn't even get mad at her. I told her to sit, and she actually listened to me in the front yard.

The spider, I'm afraid, did not make it. I screamed like a little girl and killed it when it came flying towards my face. It involved me taking a shoe, screaming, and dancing around my front porch until I killed it.

I'm pretty sure my mailman saw the whole thing, too.

Today started out weird.

My list-of-shit-that’s-wrong-with-me

Patience is not my strong point.

When you add patience to a health care situation, that is especially not my strong point.

I'm in the process of undergoing tests and exams where I get poked and prodded to see if something's going up with my spleen. Or maybe my gallbladder. Or maybe a kidney? Or it could be an ulcer.

No one really knows yet.

All I know is that there's some suspicious stuff going on that wasn't going on a few months ago.

At this point, maybe all of my organs are mad at each other and malfunctioning (not likely, I know). 

My doctor/nurse practitioner ordered a sonogram of what I thought was my spleen. The perfectly nice sonogram lady said she ordered an abdominal scan, which meant I got to have all of my insides looked at and poked.

I also had an x-ray while I was there, because why not?

When I told the perfectly nice sonogram lady that something hurt and I jumped off the table into the ceiling, she just stabbed me with the sonogram wand extra hard and extra long at that one spot.

Oh, that's nice.

The thing is, I'm not really modest about health stuff. I had cysts removed a few years ago, and I stopped counting how many people saw me without some sort of clothes on at 17 mid-way through that problem.

I kept my shirt on throughout the appointment. Exam? Whatever it was, the other day.

I wish the perfectly nice sonogram lady had just told me to take my shirt off. It's a messy process, especially when you have to roll over on each side on a table that's full of lube. 

That prompted a text message to my bff: "The sonogram lady got lube all over my shirt. Happy Thursday morning to me!"

The human body, especially mine, is really stupid sometimes. And sometimes in life, you have to walk out in public with lube all over your shirt. Which is a really weird thing, especially when you woke up that morning and didn't think lube would be a part of your day. 

Life is really stupid sometimes.

When I go through health stuff, my mind always wanders back to a post The Bloggess wrote a few years ago, titled "Where I am right now."

From that post: "But I had the same growth 10 years ago and got it biopsied and it wasn’t cancer then and eventually it just went away, so I suspect it’s a silent twin that’s just swimming around in my body and fucking shit up."
"And more upsetting is the fact that I still feel exactly as exhausted as I did before we started the treatment, so God knows if this will even work or if it’ll just be another bullet-point in my list-of-shit-that’s-wrong-with-me."
"I should be happy that things weren’t worse, and relieved that I have the resources to diagnose and maybe fix the problems, but today I’m just sick and tired of being sick and tired, and I can’t find a way to end this paragraph."

*My nurse practitioner  and doctor's office I got referred to were amaze balls. I'm just whining because I feel like whining. 

You did not win pie, flies, or fries.

I've been out of state for the past few days.

I really only wanted one thing. When I got home, I wanted to give the coolest toddlers I know big huge hugs.

One toddler hugged me. The other one told me "no."

Well, I'll settle for one hug, then.

It turns out, the curly-haired kid won a coloring contest that I helped her enter for my town's yearly festival/celebration. Said curly-haired child won a gift card to an ice cream place in town.

That's big, guys!

When I got back into town, I immediately drove to my mom's house. The twins were jumping on the bed in one of the spare bedrooms.

I asked them if they had heard the story about the monkeys jumping on the bed. And then I held their hands so they could jump higher.

"One jump! Two jump! Three jump! Four jump!"

They're brilliant.

-----

I told the curly-haired kid that she won a prize, and that we were going to go bye bye to get the prize.

Her response: "Flies."

Me: "No, you did not win flies. You won a prize."

"Fries."

Me: "No, you didn't win fries. You won a prize."

Her sister, who was busy bouncing up and down on the bed: "Pies!"

Me: "You guys are impossible. You did not win pie, flies, or fries. You won a prize."

-----

I took the curly-haired kid to the mall to claim her prize. Or flies, whatever.

There was a line at the cash register in the store. To occupy time, I started quizzing my niece.

How old are you?

Two.

How old am I?

Two.

How old is Grandma?

Two.

How old is Grandpa?

Two.

How old is your sister?

Two.

How old is your little sister?

Two.

How old is Penny?

Two.

How old is Mommy?

Two.

How old is Daddy?

Two.

How old is God?

Two.

Are you sick of these questions?

Otay.

-----

After waiting in line for  a few minutes, my little curly-haired niece, who was wearing a pink girly skirt, let out the loudest fart I've ever heard come out of her little body.

She looked up on me, still holding my hand.

"I toot."

My response: "I heard."

-----

There was an older guy waiting in line behind us at the store. He told us that no one told him there was a coloring competition, and that he'd have to enter it next year.

Then he looked at the adorable little girl holding my hand. He said something along the lines of, well, the competition looks pretty stiff.

Curly-haired kid had no idea what he was talking about. To pass the time, she started jumping.

Don't you jump in the mall?

-----

After we collected our prize, I took her to another store in the mall. My niece liked two things: A puppy backpack, and a Ma Mouse* backpack.

We settled on Ma Mouse.

I showed her how to put her gift card in her backpack. She wore it walking out of the mall.

On the way out, we passed the older gentleman who apparently wanted to enter the coloring contest next year.

He told my curly-haired niece that she better look out next year.

She gave him a weird look.

Then he said something like: "I don't know if I even have a chance against her."

My response: "You don't."

*Ma Mouse = Mickey Mouse in toddler speak.

Stupid spleen

I'm of the belief that going through uncertainty regarding a medical problem is just about the worst feeling there is.

Over the past few months, I've noticed I've been getting sick immediately after I eat. I paid attention to what I ate, and I narrowed it down to bread.

Maybe it's a gluten problem?

I made a doctor's appointment last week. I had a couple of things I wanted to talk to her about.

Maybe it's an ulcer, she told me. Maybe it's a gluten thing. We don't know unless we test for it.

Next, she laid me down on the table and started poking around. I had this done in May, and it was uneventful.

When I had this done last week, I wanted to kick someone in the face when she pressed on the area near my spleen.

Well, that's a problem, she said.

The stomach is filled with all kinds of things that can go awry, in my mind, like the appendix and gallbladder. When I have stomach pain, I take it pretty seriously and get it checked out.

I don't need any organs exploding in my body.

I'm getting more tests done. My health care provider, whom I respect and trust, told me to not jump to any conclusions until those test results come back.

Ha, ha. Does she know who she's talking to?

When I left her office, I immediately Googled 'Can you live without a spleen.'

Because my mind automatically thinks of surgery and organ removal when I have a little bit of pain here and there.

Stupid spleen.

Kid-Monica was apparently a jerk.

I got a text message yesterday that made my day.

"My parents are cleaning out their house. My doodle bear seems to say 'Monica' on it."

Indeed, in the center of the bear's chest, is the word "Monica" in purple marker.

Haha!

I don't remember the doodle bear, and I certainly don't remember writing my name on my best friend's toy when we were probably nine years old.

Oh my God, it made me laugh though. Kid-Monica was apparently a jerk. I like how it's underlined too. Ha!

:)

Part of me is surprised is doesn't say 'Hanson!' on it.

What not to say.

I was watching the Olympics last night with a few cute little girls.

We watched volleyball. I explained to the girls that the girls on tv jump. They jump high!

Then I explained the game of volleyball to my nieces. My exact words?

"They jump really high and they play with balls."

Oh God, I regretted that as soon as I said it.

Why did I say that?

I need to come up with better explanations. "Playing with balls" is not acceptable.

Sigh.

Working hard

This little dude has been working his heart out on my front porch.

I don't have the heart to kill it. 

Day 2

On today's fashion choices, I paired an orange cardigan with a white and blue shirt, and a new gold and teal necklace.

I've never put the shirt and cardigan together before. I like it!

Heaven & Hell

I never published this post from a while back. Here you go, folks.

-----

A friend shared a Facebook memory today, which made me think of this story.

Two years ago, around this time, I flew to South Carolina for a conference. It was the first time I had ever flown alone, and I flew into the Atlanta airport at noon.

A person with an anxiety problem flew into the busiest airport in the country at noon. Ha, ha.

The amount of people there was overwhelming.

Anyway, I was thinking of that trip this weekend. The thing I remember the most is the clouds from Atlanta to South Carolina, which was a 22-minute flight.

They looked like giant cotton balls exploded. That, combined with the rolling green hills below, made me think that that's what heaven will look like.

The thing about that week, though, is that I was in a lot of pain. I had a dry socket that week. If you don't know what that is, imagine praying for the sweet release of death for days. Dying would feel better than a dry socket.

I had already bought my plane tickets for that South Carolina trip, so I figured offing myself wouldn't be worth it. After a very bad, awful weekend praying for death, a trip that looked like heaven was very, very welcomed.

My Dad flew this week, and sent me the picture below. The South Carolina clouds were way better than these puny little clouds, but you get an idea of what it looks like.

Borrowed from my Dad, who flew this week.

Mixing it up

I found a blog over the weekend where a woman saved a ton of money by shopping in her own closet.

For a year, she didn't buy any new outfits. She just combined clothes, jewelry and shoes she already had instead of buying something new.

I don't think I have enough clothes to do that. I currently have one pair of jeans that kind of, sort of fit (hooray, weight loss?). If I mow my yard in them, I'll end up mooning my neighbors.

But, I liked the blog well enough to maybe pay attention to the message behind it.

This week, in an ode to that blog I found, I'm going to wear something different, something new or something I wouldn't normally wear, each day this week.

Let's mix it up a little!

I did buy two new pieces of jewelry this weekend, but they were dirt cheap on clearance. I have this system in place where I reward myself with pretty things if something goes awry in my life. (The idea is to not use food as a reward, like I used to do.)

So, I was overdue to buy some pretty stuff.

I used to hate clothes. Now that I'm almost 50 pounds lighter and three or four sizes smaller, I love clothes. I love shopping. I have jeggings.

Weird, right?

Today, I'm wearing a new bracelet. It cost me $2 at a craft store in town on clearance.

When I was doing laundry last night, I took stock of what I had. I pulled some clothes out, switched outfits up, and tried to mix some jewelry pieces to shirts I wouldn't normally put together.

A $6 teal and gold necklace with a red shirt? I think that's going to be the outfit I wear tomorrow.

This excites me.