The only relationship I'm in is with my bathroom, and it's complicated.

Before I complain about this, I have to preface this blog post with this sentence: I'm thankful my health problems can be fixed.

Now that that's out of the way, I'm going to complain now.

A few weeks ago, I met my mom, aunt and my nieces at the park after I had a doctor's appointment. I told my Mom the g-rated version of the story of my colon, the one that involved an ill-placed ulcer and a prolapse. 

Her response: "You know, your body could have picked a better place for that ulcer."

I KNOW RIGHT?

It turns out that my stupid health problem can be fixed with surgery, for which I'm very thankful for. This has been a long, long road. It started about a year ago.

That means over the past year, I've gone to seemingly dozens of doctor's appointments in southwest Kansas and in Wichita. I tried to tell doctors there was something wrong with me. I tried to tell them that hey, I can't eat solid food, and I think there's something really, really wrong with my body.

This is the point where I'm going to complain. Maybe I shouldn't, but this is my blog, and I can moan if I want to.

When you're a woman in your 30s, the first thing doctors think of when it comes to abdominal discomfort and pain is obviously pregnancy.

That's great and all, but I'm pretty sure I'm not pregnant. I mean, I'm fairly certain, you know?

So when I proved I wasn't pregnant to various doctors, they came up with the next best explanation. 

Are you depressed? Stressed? Anxious?

If you just stop being those things, your symptoms will probably go away, they told me.

I take an antidepressant every day, and I'm sure the words ANXIOUS AS FUCK are written all over my medical records, probably on every page in bold cursive underlined font or something.

But depression or anxiety or stress doesn't explain the fact that there are times in my life where I've gone days and weeks without being able to eat solid food. 

The only relationship I'm in is with my bathroom, and it's complicated. (Pretty sure that doesn't cause pregnancy. I mean, I'm fairly certain.)

There is something wrong with my body. I had no idea what it was, but I knew I couldn't control it or fix it by myself. 

Yogurt is not the answer. Over the counter medicine is not the answer, nor is fiber or essential oils or acupuncture or having my gallbladder removed. 

I asked one doctor in town for a colonoscopy and for a referral to a GI specialist. He said no to a colonoscopy, and while he technically did not say no to a specialist, he just ignored my request.

Hey, guys. Guess what found my problem? A GI specialist who did a colonoscopy!

Yea, science and doctors who actually believe me!

While I'm thankful that I finally found a doctor's office in town and a specialist in Wichita who believed me enough to do something about it, I'm also really, really mad.

Like, fuming mad.

In my mind, I did everything right. I made a doctor's appointment when I didn't feel good. I explained the pain, when it started, where it was, and I talked to a whole lot of people about parts of my body that I really didn't want to talk about.

No one believed me. Everyone dismissed my symptoms, didn't follow up, and didn't bother to investigate further. 

Am I communicating with doctors wrong? Could I have done something different to find a solution faster?

The GI doctor I went to in Wichita was amazing. If I could go back and talk to him, I would probably tell him that I love him. 

He listened to everything I said. He believed me, and he told me that the way I was treated in western Kansas pissed him off.

Dude, I thought. You're preaching to the choir.

I guess the moral of this shitty story, if there is a one, is that there are good doctors in the world. They're hard to find, especially in this part of the world. 

But they do exist.

In the words of Dr. GI Specialist: "You have a medical problem that you need medical help for. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise."

Growl.

*Note: I'm pretty damn lucky and grateful that my problem isn't colon cancer. I don't even have polyps. I have one stupid part of my colon that, for whatever reason, malfunctioned, and can probably be surgically fixed. Asshole colon. 

2 a.m.

At 2 a.m., in the midst of trying to come up with a solution that involved making my hellacious heartburn go away, solving world hunger and world peace, and making the demon living inside of my colon go away, I started watching Intervention on Hulu.

I may not be perfect, guys, but I'm feeling pretty good about my life choices right now.

I learned that from a 3-year-old

Yesterday, I went and hung out with some pretty cool little girls for lunch.

I got an electronic gadget for my birthday. Sweet! I opened the box and looked at it.

My favorite red-haired, pony-tailed niece was interested in my present. She took the instructions out of the box and held them upside down.

She looked at the gadget, then looked back at the instructions.

She did that a few times.

"That not right," she declared, with a totally confused look on her face.

Child...you're three, you can't read, and you're holding the instructions upside down. 

She turned the instructions around when I told her they were upside down, then kept trying to figure out whatever she was trying to figure out.

In the words of someone I'm quite fond of: I learned that from a 3-year-old.

In the words of my favorite curly-haired 3-year-old: "Happy birthday Aunt Monica. We put the alphabet on your cake."

My name seems to be Aunt Moniac on my cake, but I guess that's acceptable.

I'm not that picky.

That's where the butterfly met the hurricane.

I finished watching 13 Reasons Why over the weekend.

I sailed through the first few episodes. Then, as the series went on, I turned my tv off and took a break.

The last few episodes were really hard to watch. Like, really hard. I couldn't bring myself to watch them for several days.

I kept a list of quotes from the series. Enjoy, if that's the right word for a series where someone commits suicide.

• That damn smile.

• You were my kryptonite.

• The truth is the least interesting version of things.

• What came after my first kiss, not so wonderful.

• I'm not angry you betrayed me. I'm angry that I trusted you in the first place.

• Despite our differences, we were what each other needed at that time.

• Losing a good friend is never easy, especially when you don't know why you lost them to begin with.

• That's where the butterfly met the hurricane.

• It's not the kind of thing you do if you're not ready.

• I decided to give you another chance. Stupid Hannah.

• People fall out of love all the time. At least it means they loved someone in the first place.

• It's you and me against the world.

• The kind of lonely I'm talking about is when you have no one.

• When you're that kind of lonely, you reach out to anybody.

• I know that kind of lonely.

• Your thoughts deserve a good place to live.

• Your pain is important to people.

• I was trying to act normal. I didn't know how to do that anymore.

• I didn't want you to judge the worst thing I've ever done.

• I've told you about two of the worst decisions I've ever made. And the damage left behind. And the people who got hurt. There's one more story to tell. One more bad decision. And this one's all on me.

• At that moment, everything was perfect.

• I know you felt it, too.

• I guess you never really know what's going on in someone's life.

• One last try. I'm giving life one last try.

• I let a girl die because I was afraid to love her. You can't love someone back to life. You can try.

• It has to get better. We way we look at each other, the way we treat each other. It has to get better.

• Are you okay? No. Is that all right? Yeah. That's fine.

Kryptonite

I started watching 13 Reasons Why on Netflix last night.

OH MY GOD.

Whatever you're doing right now, stop it, go to Netflix, and start watching this.

It's incredible.

"That damn smile."

"You were my kryptonite."

Blind

When I got up this morning, I could not find my glasses.

I looked everywhere, and I still couldn't find them.

I caved at about 7:40 a.m., and put my contacts in...solely to look for my glasses.

I found them. They were sitting on my nightstand, where I always put them at night.

GAH.

Part 6: The end

For the seven months leading up to this concert, I told myself one thing.

During the song Record Year, I was not going to look at my phone. I would not take photos, and I wouldn't video it.

At a certain point, you need to put your phone down and appreciate what's happening right in front of your face.

The song came towards the end of the concert. After the first few opening notes were played, my Mom nudged me.

"It's Record Year!"

Oh.

My.

Gawd.

You guys, that song was even better than I imagined it would be. Every single chord and every single lyric were perfect.

And when I say perfect, I mean it.

Perfect.

Listening to that song live is almost worth having your heart crushed into a million little pieces.

Well...almost.

I listened to this album when I first bought my house. I listened to it when I was crying over someone who wasn't worth it. I listened to it over and over again, until I learned every word of every song.

I love this album probably more than I've loved any other album, ever.

Because, you know, I've been having a record year.

Since you turned the tables on me
I've been steady and learnin' lonely
Keepin' this turntable spinnin'
Everything from Jones to Jennings
Slowly plannin' my survival
In a three foot stack of vinyl
Since you had to walk on outta here
I've been havin' a record year

I bet you thought before you left
I'd just sit in silence by myself
Turn this house into a jail
Dyin' slow in a livin' hell
But love's got a funny way of keepin' score
And your leavin' lit up my scoreboard
I usually make it through side a sober
All bets are off when I flip her over
One bourbon, one scotch, one beer
I'm havin' a record year

Quarter notes and Hank's half time
Are poundin' on this heart of mine
Song to song, I pass my time
With these speakers on ten
Your good and gone keeps me up all night
Along with Songs In The Key Of Life
I'm either gonna get over you
Or I'm gonna blow out my ears
Yeah, you're out there now
Doin' God knows how, and I'm stuck here
Havin' a record year

Your leavin' left me goin' crazy
I'm countin' on a needle to save me
I drop it in the groove
And we go 'round and 'round
And down in a spiral
I guess I really oughta call and thank you
I rediscovered Red Headed Stranger
Got down with old James Brown
And found New Grass Revival
If you find your way back, I owe you a beer
For my record year

Quarter notes and Hank's half time
Are poundin' on this heart of mine
Song to song, I pass my time
With these speakers on ten
Your good and gone keeps me up all night
Along with Songs In The Key Of Life
I'm either gonna get over you
Or I'm gonna blow out my ears
Yeah, you're out there now
Doin' God knows how, and I'm stuck here
Havin' a record year

Yeah, I'm havin' a record year

Perks

There are perks to your aunt being a former journalist. Witty political comebacks are among them.

Part 5: It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

I cheated the week before the concert and Googled the setlist.

I immediately regretted it, and tried to un-remember everything that I read. I really wanted the opening song to be a surprise. Maybe Mr. Misunderstood? How do you not open a concert with that song? It'd be perfect, I thought!

On Friday night, as it got closer to 8:30 p.m., the arena got a little darker and a little louder with each passing minute.

And then, at 8:30 p.m. on the dot, everything got pitch black.

Oh my God, this is happening!

There was one single spotlight on stage. Then, the music started, with something like 12,000 people focused on that empty spotlight.

Then, we heard that voice.

I heard there was a secret chord
That David played and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
Well it goes like this: the fourth, the fifth
The minor fall and the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah

OH MY GOD, HE'S OPENING THE CONCERT WITH HALLELUJAH!

For the entire song, the spotlight was empty. All you heard was Eric Chruch's voice, with that raspy southern twang that pronounces the word "baffled" so weird, I can't mimic it.

I stood on my tippy toes, singing my favorite parts of the song.

Maybe there's a God above
All I've ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you
And it's not a cry that you hear at night
It's not someone who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

When the song ended, he finally stepped into the spotlight.

It was probably the best concert intro I've ever seen.

A country rock and roll concert that includes the song Hallelujah?

Brilliant.

Part 4: Floor

I believe in don't start if you're going to quit

I believe in doing things the right way. When I go to a concert, I want floor tickets. I want to see the artist right in front of my face. I want to stand up the whole time, I want to sing at the top of my lungs, and if I'm drunk enough, I want to dance.

I did all of these things with this concert, minus the drinking part. The line to the women's restroom was always 800 people long, and I have a defective colon that needs surgery. 

Getting drunk and eating food at an Eric Church will have to happen next time he tours.

Anyway, part of doing concerts the right way involves finding either the tour buses or the semi-trailers before the concert.

When I was little, my Mom always took my brother and I around town to look for tour buses as part of the Dodge City Days concerts. In Dodge City, they're not hard to find. Back in the day, there was only one nice hotel, and all of the artists always stayed there.

Tradition means a lot to me. That tradition is one worth keeping. When we got into Wichita that afternoon, I drove past the arena, and there, parked half a block away, there eight huge semis with Eric Church written on them.

Ahhh! This is really happening!

Broke my heart

After graduation, she took off to Denver
And for a while we both tried to keep in touch
She was my best friend
And it broke my heart
But I don't regret the day she became
One of those I've loved along the way

Part 3: You crossed the line, you get what you get

One of my favorite things about Eric Church is that his music isn't all happy with rainbows and unicorns shining out of everyone's butt (like Thomas Rhett).

I never really gave the song Knives of New Orleans a chance. I skipped over it on the record. But in Wichita, my Mom made me listen to it.

We both realized that in this song, he kills someone. Say what?

When I got home from the concert, I laid in my bed with my headphones on and listened to this song over and over.

In the song, he kills his girlfriend by drowning her in Lake Pontchartrain in New Orleans. He doesn't regret it, either.

I did what I did
I have no regrets
When you crossed the line
You get what you get

My Mom and I noticed that he seems to have been through some shit in his life. While it's not okay to kill someone in real life, it's perfectly all right to kill them off in a song.

It turns out that yes, you can love someone and want to kill them at the same time. If I ever write a book, I have a few characters already named that I will fictitiously kill off.

Oh, Eric. We've all been there.

In the last 30 minutes
I've gone from a person of interest
to a full-blown manhunt underway 

I love it.

Part 2: Stupid tickets

I love to plan things ahead. But, some things are out of control.

I couldn't print the tickets off to the Eric Church concert until the day before, thanks to the company that sold the tickets. Whatever, it's not that big of a deal.

The day before the concert, I logged into one of those said companies. I looked at Ticketmaster, and I couldn't find the tickets to print. When I logged into my account, it said I hadn't bought any tickets recently.

Um...what?

OH MY GOD PANIC PANIC PANIC.

I'm pretty good at imaging the worse-case scenario in situations. I imagined myself not being able to go to the concert I'd been looking forward to for more than half a year.

I was freaking out.

I called my credit card company, and confirmed that yes, I did indeed buy two tickets.

And then it occurred to me to log into my Select-a-Seat account. Oh, happy day. The tickets were right there, all shiny and pretty, ready to be printed off.

GAH.

Part 1: I did what I did

I had a hot date Friday night in Wichita with Eric Church and 12,000 of my closest friends.

Oh. My. God.

Before I talk about the actual concert, let's talk about the events leading up to said concert.

Eric Church made a comment at the concert that they were going to play a song for the fans who were there for him in the beginning. He thanked those fans, and told them that they meant a lot to him.

I had never heard the song before. It was something about a highway with two lanes.

Sorry, Eric. I have not been there since the beginning. I had no idea what song you were singing.

-----

I still have a lotta boot left to fill.

The song that got me hooked on Eric Church was Record Year. The first couple of times I heard it, I thought what everyone else thought.

You're so egotistical that you're singing about how popular you are? How stupid! Shut up and go away!

But, people, I kept listening to that song, and I figured out that it's about a relationship ending. When they break up, he starts listening to old records to get over her.

I'm either gonna get over you or I'm gonna blow out my ears.

He thanks her in the end for his record year - literally, the year he spent listening to records because of her.

If you find your way back, I owe you a beer for my record year.

I didn't exactly write a press release and publicize this topic when it happened, but right around the time Record Year came out, the relationship that I was in ended. It wasn't the end of the world, and it wasn't the first time that something bad happened to me.

But a relationship in your 30s is different. I could try to explain it, but I won't. It's different, because it just is.

It wasn't my choice to end it, and it hurt.

It hurt a lot.

The song Record Year got me through some really tough days and nights. I listened to that song over and over, until I practically blew out my ears. When I got mad about something, I'd go home, pull out my Bose, and blast that song on repeat until I felt better.

When I was having a bad day, that song would play on the radio. I instantly felt better.

That album, Mr. Misunderstood, played a huge part in healing a very broken and sad Monica.

Holy crap, Eric Church, you amazing human being.

Thank you for helping me heal.

I was in Wichita seven months ago when I sent my Mom a text message. I had just listened to Record Year and Over When It's Over over and over again, and I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.

My text message to my Mom said something like, 'Wanna see Eric Church in Wichita with me?'

Her answer: 'Yes.'

My relationship might have failed, but that doesn't mean I can't have a little bit of fun.

Life goes on, if you let it.

We bought tickets, waited seven months, and the rest is history.

(Part 2 coming.)

Record year

Eric Church song quote of the day:

If you find your way back, I owe you a beer

For my record year

That collection of words might be my favorite of all time.

This song means a lot to me, and it got me through some really bad days and nights. 

I'm better now. Thank you, Eric Church, for that.

There'd still be a spark

It's Eric Church concert week!

To celebrate this fabulous occasion, I'll post some of my favorite lyrics of all time, in no particular order.

I must say, his music got me through a lot of rough nights. When I first heard "Record Year" it was almost a life-changing experience.

Anyway, one of my favorite songs of his is Springsteen.

It's amazing.

I ran into you by happenstance
Probably wouldn't even know who I am
But if I whispered your name
I bet there'd still be a spark

You don't want a heart

Words cannot describe how much I love this song. It's beautiful.

I'm sorry, Miranda. We've all been there.

Hey there Mr. Tin Man
You don't know how lucky you are
You shouldn't spend your whole life wishin'
For something bound to fall apart
Every time you're feeling empty
Better thank your lucky stars
If you ever felt one breaking
You'd never want a heart

Hey there Mr. Tin Man
You don't know how lucky you are
I've been on the road that you're on
It didn't get me very far
You ain't missing nothing
'Cause love is so damn hard
Take it from me darling
You don't want a heart

Hey there Mr. Tin Man
I'm glad we talked this out
You can take mine if you want it
It's in pieces now
By the way there Mr. Tin Man
If you don't mind the scars
You give me your armor
And you can have my heart