A honky tonk crowd song

Every time I hear the song I smile as wide as Texas.

Mike Ryan - The Rewrite

I wrote her a love song
The kind that makes you cry
Well it was soft and sweet
Like Faithfully meets Wonderful Tonight
But she never got to hear it
'Cause she told me goodbye
So I decided to take that love song
And rewrite it

This is a new song
A screw you song
A you can go to hell
Take your new boyfriend too song
And it's a loud song
A honky tonk crowd song
It's a you don't like when I drink
So I'm getting plowed song
Oh it's a glad you're gone hope you don't come back
Everybody sing along raise your glass
And help me to tell her to kiss my ass song

I wouldn't let you in if you showed up at my place
Said you wanted just one more roll in the hay
Okay that's a lie
'Cause after all I'm sill a guy
That probably won't happen anyway

So I'm singin' a new song
A screw you song
A you can go to hell
Take your new boyfriend too song
And it's a loud song
A honky tonk crowd song
It's a you don't like when I drink
So I'm getting plowed song
Oh it's a glad you're gone hope you don't come back
Everybody sing along raise your glass
And help me to tell her to kiss my ass song

Hey it's a glad you're gone
Baby who needs you
Hope you don't come back
And if you do
I hope I'm laying there naked with somebody new song

Life in photos

"Monta, I love your house!"

Highlights from a sleepover with my nieces:

“Aunt Monica, look at my coconut!”

Kid holds up a pinecone on the playground.

Best 🥥 ever.

--

“You have freckles because you don’t have cake in your life.”

--

“Aunt Monica, K’s not a doctor anymore.”

(K is 4.)

--

Please note that I have never kept all three kids overnight at my house before. My brother was pretty adamant that none of the kids were coming back to his house that night (ha!), so I was pretty sure that I could handle it. 

I've kept the twins overnight tons of times, but I've never kept the baby overnight before.

Said baby is almost 3, and she's pretty badass.

She walked around my house Saturday night and Sunday morning and looked at my house.

"Monta, I love your house!"

--

Me, 30 minutes after putting the kids to sleep: In order to go to sleep, you need to shut your eyes and your mouths.

K: But she's so funny (pointing to her little sister).

I have no idea what the baby was doing, but apparently she was cracking jokes at bedtime. I have a hard time telling kids to quit giggling, so I sat in my living room and listened to three little girls giggle instead of sleep. 

:)

No personal space.

Trolls need baths, too.

Circa 2014 - This is not a thing I will ever figure out.

For some reason, my mind is taking me back to the blog posts I wrote after attending South By Southwest in Austin in 2014.

So, here's a throwback post.

--

Saturday, March 8, 2014

Geek Central.

I love writing. I love things that make me laugh. When those two things combine, my little mind explodes of The Awesome and I just can't handle it anymore.

That happened to me today.

I got to hear Seth Meyers speak today at SXSW. For a little more than an hour, I basked in the happiness of the conversation that included comedy, writing, failure, the collaborative process, and random other things.

I didn't know what to expect, but I was hoping to hear about his transition from SNL to Late Night. I wasn't disappointed. He did talk about that. But what I wasn't expecting was hearing him speak for an hour on how much he loved writing and how many times he has failed in life.

Background, for those who don't know: Seth was on Saturday Night Live for 12 years before taking over Jimmy Fallon's Late Night (Jimmy Fallon now hosts The Tonight Show. For the record, I'll always like Jimmy Fallon, too, because of his thank-you notes).

I remember watching the last episode of SNL that Seth Meyers was on earlier this year. I remember thinking, "God, it's the end of an era."

I had to wait in line/in the room for a couple of hours to hear him speak. I'm not sorry I did.

Lovingly stolen from the Interwebs.

I didn't write down all of the wonderful quotes he said, I didn't Tweet much, and I didn't even Facebook that much. I sat on the edge of my seat, laughed harder than I've laughed in a long time, and smiled more than I've smiled this year.

Weekend Update has always been my favorite part of SNL. I've always liked Seth Meyers and I always will after hearing him speak.

Some quotes he said:

"When you're young, that's the perfect time to fail."

"This is not a thing I will ever figure out. Perfection is crazy. Improvement is what you want."

"People are like, 'What do you want to do when it's over?' And I'm like, 'Does it ever have to be over?'"

"It's never easy coming up with ideas."

"Giving yourself a deadline is really important."

"My survival will always be as a writer."

Not stolen. I took this photo!

Other things he said:

- An NPR employee asked him what news sources he reads to get material for his show. I was expecting The New York Times and morning talk shows to be his answer. His real answer? Twitter.

- He was hired on SNL as an actor originally, but transitioned into writing. He said he didn't like doing skits, but loved writing skits.

- The last skit he wrote for SNL bombed. He talked about failure quite a bit, which is something I wasn't expecting. I guess everyone fails.

- I can't even explain how funny he is. You can tell he doesn't even have to try. It's just something that's in his personality. He said that even after spending 12 years on the show, there was never one recipe for success. Some things work and some things don't. When they don't, you move on to the next thing that might work and forget about the thing that didn't work.

While waiting in line to hear him speak, we got to see a video of Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson speak to an audience a floor below us.

Um, that was also mind-blowingly amazing.

Background: He's the astrophysicist who demoted Pluto as a planet.

Also stolen from the Interwebs.

What I didn't know: He's so freaking normal it hurts. He doesn't talk down to people who don't understand science and he's willing to explain things in really simple terms.

My Twitter feed exploded with his quotes.

"A scientist is a kid who never grew up."

"If you think the price of college is expensive, try the cost of ignorance."

"This is SXSW Interactive. This is geek central right here."

"You don't want to do an experiment that's longer than your life expectancy..."

"Some lessons need to be learned first-hand."

"There is so much to be impressed with in the universe. Don't be distracted by things that are not impressive."

"One reason we should go into space because you know the dinosaurs would have if they could have."

"Carbon is Jon Stewart's favorite element. It's the slut of the periodic table."

"I wonder if we're smart enough to figure out the universe. We define ourselves as intelligent. But we came up with that test."

"It's the darkest before dawn. No, it's not. It's darkest when the sun is farthest from the horizon."

"Good teachers are first in line for the cloning machine."

"I always tell teachers, be the kind of teacher that teacher was to you."

"Keep letting your kids break stuff. It is a source of curiosity."

"To remain curious is to remain young."

Spooky story.

Little redhead: Aunt Monica, there’s a wolf through that door. 

Me: No, there’s not. The only thing in that door is Aunt Monica’s shoes.

Little redhead: You checked your house for wolves before we came here?

Me: Why yes, I did.

Little redhead: : Thanks!

Best kids ever. 

Get in this heart like a wheel and baby, let's roll

Stolen from Twitter:

I always thought Eric Church had insane talent but after listening to ‘Heart Like a Wheel’ I firmly believe he is the greatest artist of my generation. 

In every aspect.

---

"Heart Like A Wheel"

She's caviar and mascara
I'm corduroy and leather
It'd take one hell of an imagination
To ever paint us together

Places I like to haunt at
She wouldn't be caught dead
Don't make sense to the neighbors, don't look good on paper
And sure don't make sense in my head

But I got a heart like a wheel, baby, let's go
Get in this heart like a wheel and baby, we'll roll

Can't say there won't be rough patches
Scratches from thorns and briars
Over or under, we'll roll like thunder
As long as there's tread on these tires

I got a heart like a wheel, baby, let's go
Get in this heart like a wheel and baby, let's roll

Ain't no map, ain't no way
Ain't no lights on this long highway
But I know the way by heart
Bring on the dark
Honey, don't worry

Baby, I got a heart like a wheel, baby, let's go
Get in this heart like a wheel and baby, let's roll
I got a heart like a wheel, baby, let's go
Get in this heart like a wheel and baby, we roll
Get in this heart like a wheel and baby, let's go

Lost little Pickle

Last Friday night, I was hanging out in my house and watching tv.

The dogs were outside. They like being outside at night, and they actually bug me if I make them stay inside when I get home from work.

So the fur children were hanging out and being dogs outside.

Around dark, I went to let them in.

The fawn children were outside sleeping by each other. They woke up when I hollered at them, and they both came inside.

But the black fur child did not come inside.

Sometimes she falls asleep in whatever random hole she dug that day, and I have to go around looking for her. I walked all over my backyard looking for Pickles, and my heart sank when I saw that one of my gates was wide open.

OH MY GOD.

I asked the neighbor kids if they had seen my dog, and they said they had not.

I called my Mom in a panic, and then told her to come over right away.

My next order of business was to check Facebook, because that's what you do when dogs get lost.

There was a post that was a minute old. A family had found a cute little black dog by the country club.

Um, the country club is a mile from my house. ONE MILE AWAY.

I left my phone number with the lady and waited for her to call me. Not even a minute later, my cell phone rang.

I dropped everything, grabbed my keys and went to get my dumbass escapee.

Pickles ran away to the right house. When I pulled up and parked across the street, they had given her food and water and were loving on her.

Pickles ran up to me, wagged her tail, and started kissing me.

I thought, dog, if you missed me then why did you run away?

I used to make fun of people who lost their dogs. Now, I have a dog who will bolt out of doors and gates if given the chance and 2 seconds to do it.

I'm extremely lucky that I found her.

Also, my gates now have shiny new locks on them and I check on the fur kids when they're outside without me.

I'm so sorry. I'll never run away again.

Lol jk, I'll totally do it again.

Dude, you're 2.

Picture this:

Three little girls, their aunt and Grandma are eating snow cones outside when it's about a million degrees out.

We go back to Grandma's, and I pull out my phone to show Grandma videos of Eric Church that I took at the concert last week.

My adorable, brilliant and beautiful 2-year-old niece looks at the video.

"Where Monta?"

Grandma looked at me.

"Monta's right there," Grandma said, as she pointed to a male camera man in my video.

(Monta = Monica in 2-year-old speak)

The 2-year-old doesn't know any better. She bought the story we were selling her.

And then the brilliant 2-year-old had another question.

"Where me?"

Uh, what do you mean, child?

"Where me?" she said, as the pointed to the video of a concert that was in another state that I did not invite her to.

Dude, you're 2. You did not go to the concert with Aunt Monica.

She looks confused and says, "Why not?"

I think I might have a concert buddy in the future.

Part 4 - It happens to everyone.

Part four in the Church series is dedicated to all of those times I've watched love walk out of my life.

It happens to everyone.

This song is called Cold One.

I also have a photo from this video framed and sitting on my desk at work.

Man...that was a cold one I never will forget.

I would like to point out that yes, I did take the photos and videos in these posts (unless otherwise noted). Look how close I was!

It was a perfect day for the end of May, they say a record high
I stared at that green water when out of the blue and by surprise
She had her feet up on the cooler as she put our love on ice
She grabbed a beer, said, "I'm out of here, "
And walked out of my life

That was a cold one
I never will get back
Yeah she had to leave, did she have to leave me one beer
Short of a twelve pack?
She left me hanging high and dry in that hell high summer sun
Damn babe, that was a cold one

It ain't the first time, or the last time
I watched love walk out
But it's damn sure the one time
I still ain't forgot about
I still like to drink a beer but a long neck I won't do
'Cause every time I see one sweating, man
I break out in one too

That was a cold one
I never will get back
Yeah she had to leave, did she have to leave me one beer
Short of a twelve pack?
She left me hanging high and dry in that hell high summer sun
Damn babe, that was a cold one

That was a cold one
I never will get back
Yeah she had to leave, did she have to leave me one beer
Short of a twelve pack?
She left me hanging high and dry in that hell high summer sun
Damn babe, that was a cold one

Damn babe, that was a cold one (damn!)

Part 3 - Eric Church just stole my Sharpie.

At the end of the concert, Eric Church hopped down into the audience and started signing autographs.

I do not have the advantage of height, so I could not tell where the hell EFC was in the crowd. Instead of standing on my tippy toes and trying to see (which is absolutely pointless), I stood there in the front row and kept singing and dancing to the song 'Springsteen.'

And then I noticed the spotlight, which I presumed was on Eric Church in the crowd, kept getting closer to me.

And closer.

And then a little bit closer.

OH MY GOD.

I was recording Springsteen, and I stopped recording and put my phone in my pocket. I grabbed my Sharpie and got my Rolling Stone out of my purse. (See the video later in this post, the video I took during Born to Run and Springsteen.)

And then a second later, Eric Church was standing right in front of me. He took my copy of Rolling Stone, looked me right in the eye, did his little Eric Church squeal/howl, then turned the magazine over and autographed it for me.

Before the concert, I thought a lot about what I would say to him if he gave me an autograph. I decided beforehand I would just simply tell him 'thank you.'

I held my magazine out several times for him to sign throughout the concert, but he always walked the other direction.

When Eric Church was finally in front of me, with no one in between us, I could not say anything. No words came out of my mouth.

Instead, I smiled the biggest smile ever. He returned the smile, and then he took my sharpie to sign my concert buddy's boots.

That moment was pure happiness. In my world there was nothing bad going on. Heart break didn't exist and stressful moments were in the rear view mirror.

I punched my concert buddy in the arm.

"Eric Church just stole my Sharpie," I told him.

My concert buddy laughed.

Eric Church can steal my Sharpie whenever he wants to.

As the concert ended, EC told the sold out crowd that his summer had been rough and that he needed tonight. He pointed to the fans in the front row, and said something like "I need this right now. I need you guys during 'Springsteen.'"

The thing is, we need him, too.

A photo I stole online of EC signing autographs during Springsteen.

I needed that moment.

Life is not always pretty. As I walked away from the concert that night, with my signed copy of Rolling Stone in my hand, I silently thanked the events in my life that had led me to this point.

This point — the point that involves being single and going to a concert eight hours away just because I want to — this is the point in my life that I am thankful for.

I'm having a record year.

---

The other cool thing?

As soon as EC started singing the words to Born to Run, my heart started to smile.

I've been listening to this song on repeat over the last couple of weeks.

And I got to hear my favorite artist sing it, AND THEN he signed autographs right after it?

Sigh.

In the day we sweat it out on the streets of a runaway American dream
At night we ride through the mansions of glory in suicide machines
Sprung from cages out on highway nine,
Chrome wheeled, fuel injected, and steppin' out over the line
H-Oh, Baby this town rips the bones from your back
It's a death trap, it's a suicide rap
We gotta get out while we're young
`Cause tramps like us, baby we were born to run

Yes, girl we were

Wendy let me in I wanna be your friend
I want to guard your dreams and visions
Just wrap your legs 'round these velvet rims
And strap your hands 'cross my engines
Together we could break this trap
We'll run till we drop, baby we'll never go back
H-Oh, Will you walk with me out on the wire
`Cause baby I'm just a scared and lonely rider
But I gotta know how it feels
I want to know if love is wild
Babe I want to know if love is real

Oh, can you show me

Beyond the Palace hemi-powered drones scream down the boulevard
Girls comb their hair in rearview mirrors
And the boys try to look so hard
The amusement park rises bold and stark
Kids are huddled on the beach in a mist
I wanna die with you Wendy on the street tonight
In an everlasting kiss

One, two, three, four

The highway's jammed with broken heroes on a last chance power drive
Everybody's out on the run tonight
But there's no place left to hide
Together Wendy we can live with the sadness
I'll love you with all the madness in my soul
H-Oh, Someday girl I don't know when
We're gonna get to that place
Where we really wanna go
And we'll walk in the sun
But till then tramps like us
Baby we were born to run

Oh honey, tramps like us
Baby we were born to run

Come on with me, tramps like us
Baby we were born to run

-Born to Run

Bruce Springsteen

Part 2 - A love like that

Part dos of this here blog post is dedicated to the amazing people I met at the Eric Church concert.

I went to this concert solo, and I was really nervous about it. I was nervous about parking in the parking garage, I was nervous about getting lost in the parking garage, and I was nervous about finding the theater in a huge casino.

It turns out I had nothing to be nervous about.

I left my Rolling Stone in the car, so I had to go back and get it. I walked right to my car, so there were no issues getting lost there. (Parking garages and I don't get along.)

Once I picked my spot by the stage, I stood there and listened to other people's conversations. I smiled when they told jokes, but I didn't feel comfortable inserting myself into the conversation.

The couples around me were all recently empty nesters. They did not know each other, so they did their introductions and said how old their kids were and how great life is now that the kids are gone.

Ha.

The couples agreed at this stage in life is the best stage. It's even better than pre-kids, they said, because now they have disposable income that they didn't have before in life.

Three couples, six people, drinking beer and having a great time on a Saturday night...and then there's little lonely Monica, standing there awkwardly not talking to anyone.

The guy beside me nudged me, and asked me if I was ready for some EC.

I said yes.

We struck up a conversation. They are from Idaho and they lost count of how many Eric Church concerts they've been to.

They're going to the show in Oregon next week.

This is what they do on the weekends, they told me. They fly to wherever Eric Church is playing, and they always get pit tickets.

Being in the pit is the key, the man told me.

I told him that I had never been in the pit at an EC concert before.

My new found friend told me that from now on, I'll never sit in the seats again.

He was right.

I appreciate that this couple adopted me at the concert and included me in their circle of people.

They said their kids were 24 and 22, and they were not yet 50 years old.

I saw how close they were and how loving they acted towards each other. I love the fact that they both love concerts and have a blast going to them together.

As the concert ended and I said goodbye to my concert buddies, I thought to myself, man, I hope I find a love like that some day.

Part 1 - Going to Church

If you want to know how my adult life is going, here is a pretty good example.

About a month ago, I worked pretty hard all night. I bragged to people that I adulted successfully.

I got my tires replaced, fixed the AC in my car, replaced the tail lights and replaced the windshield wipers.

I was especially proud of the windshield wipers. I put them on myself after YouTubing the directions.

When I booked this Eric Church road trip to Oklahoma/Texas, I was pretty confident about my car.

When I was returning from my trip, I was driving north of Oklahoma City in pouring rain on the interstate.

My car was running perfect. I had just gone to Church, and I was in a fantastic mood.

As I was driving 70ish miles an hour down the road, my windshield wiper blades flew off my car.

My first two thoughts were:

• Well that was 40 bucks well spent. 
• This is the definition of adulthood. 

I stopped in Wichita on the way back to buy new windshield wiper blades, and this time I asked the guy at the car shop to put them on.

Live and learn, people. Sometimes lessons are learned the hard way.

(If you're wondering what I did on the interstate in the pouring rain with no wipers, I kept on driving. It seemed like the safest thing to do.)

This happened at the end of the trip. Why am I starting off this here blog post with the end?

To quote my favorite book, The Five People You Meet in Heaven:

It might seem strange to start a story with an ending. But all endings are also beginnings. We just don't know it at the time.

These boots.

Pit.

Ps, I have no idea how many parts will be in this series of blog posts. I'm making this up as I go along, as I do with most other things in life.

Not perfect.

2-year-old

"Monta! I'm so happy you're here!"

- My favorite 2-year-old blond little girl with the same last name as me.

Sometimes you need talk to a 2-year-old to understand life again.

Eventually.

I wrote this three years ago. It still rings true today.

---

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Stay

I was thinking about this last night.

After my friends get married, a few months after the ceremony and reception, I always ask them how they knew they married the right person.

I'm single and prospecting, as one of my co-workers put it this morning (ha, ha). I ask my friends that question because I don't know the answer.

My oldest and best friend had my favorite answer. I remember that conversation like it happened yesterday.

We were sitting in a garage last summer, playing with dogs. I was talking about my personal life - which doesn't happen very often - and I remember specifically what she said to me on how she knew she picked the right person to marry.

"He stayed."

It's a simple answer.

All you have to do is find someone who will stay? I always thought there was some unknown magic trick to love (or something like that...).

It turns out that nope, there's no magic trick or formula.

All they have to do is stay.

Last summer, I thought that answer was bullshit. There has to be some way to know, I thought. 

I get it now. Staying is important.

One of the consequences and side effects of being human is finding a person who won't stay.

When I look at my married friends, how happy they are and how their spouses blend seamlessly into our group of friends, I have a little glimmer of hope.

Eventually, someone will stay.

Eventually.