You did not win pie, flies, or fries.

I've been out of state for the past few days.

I really only wanted one thing. When I got home, I wanted to give the coolest toddlers I know big huge hugs.

One toddler hugged me. The other one told me "no."

Well, I'll settle for one hug, then.

It turns out, the curly-haired kid won a coloring contest that I helped her enter for my town's yearly festival/celebration. Said curly-haired child won a gift card to an ice cream place in town.

That's big, guys!

When I got back into town, I immediately drove to my mom's house. The twins were jumping on the bed in one of the spare bedrooms.

I asked them if they had heard the story about the monkeys jumping on the bed. And then I held their hands so they could jump higher.

"One jump! Two jump! Three jump! Four jump!"

They're brilliant.

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I told the curly-haired kid that she won a prize, and that we were going to go bye bye to get the prize.

Her response: "Flies."

Me: "No, you did not win flies. You won a prize."

"Fries."

Me: "No, you didn't win fries. You won a prize."

Her sister, who was busy bouncing up and down on the bed: "Pies!"

Me: "You guys are impossible. You did not win pie, flies, or fries. You won a prize."

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I took the curly-haired kid to the mall to claim her prize. Or flies, whatever.

There was a line at the cash register in the store. To occupy time, I started quizzing my niece.

How old are you?

Two.

How old am I?

Two.

How old is Grandma?

Two.

How old is Grandpa?

Two.

How old is your sister?

Two.

How old is your little sister?

Two.

How old is Penny?

Two.

How old is Mommy?

Two.

How old is Daddy?

Two.

How old is God?

Two.

Are you sick of these questions?

Otay.

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After waiting in line for  a few minutes, my little curly-haired niece, who was wearing a pink girly skirt, let out the loudest fart I've ever heard come out of her little body.

She looked up on me, still holding my hand.

"I toot."

My response: "I heard."

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There was an older guy waiting in line behind us at the store. He told us that no one told him there was a coloring competition, and that he'd have to enter it next year.

Then he looked at the adorable little girl holding my hand. He said something along the lines of, well, the competition looks pretty stiff.

Curly-haired kid had no idea what he was talking about. To pass the time, she started jumping.

Don't you jump in the mall?

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After we collected our prize, I took her to another store in the mall. My niece liked two things: A puppy backpack, and a Ma Mouse* backpack.

We settled on Ma Mouse.

I showed her how to put her gift card in her backpack. She wore it walking out of the mall.

On the way out, we passed the older gentleman who apparently wanted to enter the coloring contest next year.

He told my curly-haired niece that she better look out next year.

She gave him a weird look.

Then he said something like: "I don't know if I even have a chance against her."

My response: "You don't."

*Ma Mouse = Mickey Mouse in toddler speak.