Crack

To serve and protect, kind of

Yesterday, one of my nieces was tugging at her diaper.

She had just been changed, so she wasn't dirty or wet. I had no idea what was wrong with her, but I figured I'd take one for the team and investigate.

Upon inspection, I found the problem.

She had a wedgie.

I was happy to help her solve her little problem so she could be on her toddler way.

Like I told my mom: If you had a giant wad of diaper in your crack, you wouldn't be happy either!

A message to my nieces: I will gladly help you with your problems in life. I'm happy to serve and protect.

I'm also going to add "wedgie picker" to my resume.

Not a finish line.

"That cliche about the journey being more important than the destination? There's something in that. The biggest lesson that this very long, very hard walk might be teaching me is that happiness is not a finish line. And if we can't feel content on our journeys, amid the mess and the striving that we all inhabit, the open loops, the half-finished to-do lists, the could do better next times, then we might never feel it.

"A lot of people have asked me, 'What's next?' Right now, I'm very happy just recovering."

Source: TED Radio Hour

Love

(Note: I wrote this on Jan. 27. I was just a little late in posting it.)

My nieces turned two years old today.

I got up early, made a chocolate cake, and took it to them this morning.

I could say a lot of things, but this is all I can think about right now.

I didn't know it was possible to love someone (a couple of someones) that much.

Wine to whine.

I've been told more than once that I have unrealistic expectations.

I know that. I know that I have an anxiety problem. I take medication for it.

The stupid thing, though, is that getting the medication and paying for it gives me anxiety. Yes, I know how stupid this is. I can't help it.

I take more than one prescription medication. I don't like the fact that I need them, but if they work, then fine. I'll take them.

One of the medications that works for my body is really expensive. Like, $170 a month expensive. I have a house payment, a student loan payment, and other bills.

I have no second income to rely on. I rely on myself.

Spending that much money a month for medicine is not an option for me. My doctor (er, nurse practitioner) knows this. When we switched my medication, she handed me a piece of paper.

She said something along the lines of, 'I know you just bought a house and I know you live alone. Use this at the pharmacy. It will help.'

The piece of paper says I'm supposed to pay no more than $30 a month if I have insurance.

When I went to pick up the medication today, the total was $167 and some change.

My heart sank to my butt.

Does this happen to other people besides me?

It took about 30 minutes chatting with the lady behind the counter to figure out what the problem was and how to fix it.

I wanted to crawl in a hole and die in the process.

Finding a medication that works for my body is not easy. I've gone through multiple tests at multiple doctors to figure out the problem. The last time I thought I had a problem, I had no problem at all, my body just got bored and decided to mess up for no medical reason.

I know I'm whining about things that I shouldn't be whining about, but sometimes you just need wine and to whine.

There should be a law that all healthcare providers have to adhere to. I'll call it The Monica. Or, as an alternative title: I HAVE ANXIETY AND I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

Being an introvert with an anxiety problem is really, really hard sometimes.

Today, it was hard. Tomorrow, it might be better.

On bad days, my mind always goes back to a blog post that The Bloggess wrote in 2013, called 'Where I Am Right Now.'

Her problems are completely different than mine are at the moment. Hers are more serious, and make me realize that I'm whining for no reason. 

Anyway, this blog post has gotten me through some pretty tough days.

We've all been there. Shit happens.

My favorite parts of the blog: 

"But I had the same growth 10 years ago and got it biopsied and it wasn’t cancer then and eventually it just went away, so I suspect it’s a silent twin that’s just swimming around in my body and fucking shit up."

---

"And more upsetting is the fact that I still feel exactly as exhausted as I did before we started the treatment, so God knows if this will even work or if it’ll just be another bullet-point in my list-of-shit-that’s-wrong-with-me."

---

"I should be happy that things weren’t worse, and relieved that I have the resources to diagnose and maybe fix the problems, but today I’m just sick and tired of being sick and tired, and I can’t find a way to end this paragraph."

Somewhat related: My dog was the worst dog in obedience class last night. She's so happy, though, she has no idea she's in last place. She's totally okay with it. 

Definitely Related: 19 Small Awards Anyone With Anxiety Deserves To Receive

The Stupid.

I heard a good saying recently: This weekend I'm just going to drink and forget this week happened.

The person who said that did not have the same week I did. I'll tell my side of the story, though. I don't know what his side of the story is because I wasn't really with it, or able to adult, this week.

To say I had a toothache was an understatement. On a pain scale, it was 'I want to light myself on fire and jump off a cliff to just end it' pain.

After making a phone call where I begged for an earlier appointment, I talked with my endodontist about my pain yesterday.

For those normal people who don't know what an endodontist is, it's a dentist that specializes in root canals. If you don't need one, be thankful and chew something extra crunchy for me tonight.

I was expecting the worst. I was thinking he would tell me I'd need at least two root canals, maybe three. Hell, maybe some of the teeth I was worried about weren't even worth saving.

I told him my symptoms, and my looked at my teeth. Then he poked around my face, underneath my eyes.

Does that hurt?

Well, it doesn't feel pleasant.

What about that?

Well, if you hit it, it hurts.

He then sat me up and told me that I had two pretty serious problems, and that he could only fix one of those problems.

I had a tooth that needed a root canal, and I had another infection that was causing the fever that I had.

My mind went crazy. Jesus Christ, I thought. I need gum surgery again. I have another infected tooth. I need a tooth pulled. Oh my God, I might need a few teeth pulled.

I might as well just get all of my teeth pulled and leave these problems behind, I thought.

Then he told me what the second problem was.

I had a sinus infection.

Wait. That's it?

I felt really, really stupid. I was sure, I was positive, I KNEW I had other teeth problems. (Note: I will always have these problems, but apparently not this time.)

I've gotten those pains mixed up in the past, but I don't think I've ever had them both at once. You'd think at 30 I'd have it all figured out, but I don't.

My whole family spent a couple of days coughing and sneezing, but no one really had a bad cold. I was proud of myself for not catching it.

Apparently I caught it and The Stupid instead.

Oops.

17 selfies.

When I let my nieces have my phone, they always amaze me. 

They know how to take selfies. Now, I'm not saying they know how to take good quality selfies, but they're pretty good at clicking that button on iPhones a whole bunch of times.

Most of the pictures turn out like the one below. I promise, guys, she's much, much cuter in person. In this photo, she kind of looks like a newborn ghost (she's a human, and she's 2).

Happy Friday, everyone!