I took a picture in Omaha at the concert I went to. Two couples were acting affectionately towards each other, holding hands, kissing, and generally being touchy feely and grabby.
I blogged in the past about how I want a love like that.
On this trip, I did not have a love like that. In fact, I had just watched someone walk out of my life.
After I took that picture in Omaha, I went to the bathroom and threw up.
Life is not always pretty.
---
I think me getting sick was a combination of things. I'm going to blame anxiety, a relationship ending, a sinus infection and a touch of the flu. All of those things hit me at once, and when I saw people around me kissing and being happy, I couldn't take it anymore.
The funny thing is that at the concert, I knew I was going to get sick. I walked to the nearest bathrooms, and a guy told me the bathrooms were closed and that I'd have to go to another floor.
Um, dude, have you ever tried to throw up on command before?
I rushed downstairs. I fell down the last few stairs. I made it to the bathroom in time, stood in line for a few minutes, and then did my thing.
I ended up staying in Omaha an extra day because I was so sick I couldn't move.
(For the record, the only drink I had was a Pepsi.)
---
In that moment, I honestly did not believe that I'd ever be that girl at a concert that would be snuggling up next to someone.
I've had that in the past. Will I have it again in the future?
I have no idea.
When my last relationship ended, I was okay with it. He didn't like to travel, so when I went to Oklahoma and was front row at a concert, I silently thanked him for dumping me. If he hadn't, I wouldn't have experienced that concert.
But this relationship was different.
I thought to myself sitting at the concert that I'd much rather be doing absolutely nothing with him in Kansas...but that's not how life ended up.
Instead, I drove through a winter storm by myself, went to two concerts by myself and fixed a broken headlight kind of by myself (I had some help with that one).
I am perfectly capable of surviving and traveling on my own.
But how much more alone can one person take?
---
One of the things I enjoyed the hell out of in Omaha was the fact that the crowd liked the break up songs the best. Specifically, they loved Over When It's Over and Record Year.
(I swear I'm going to get a Record Year tattoo one of these days.)
I blogged about one of these songs in the past: Damn it baby, damn it. I wrote that in 2016, after a relationship that I was in tanked.
It drives me crazy that I'm pretty successful in life, but I have yet to be in a successful relationship. It drives me crazy that men start relationships with me and then decide one day they don't want me anymore.
It drives me crazy that my opinion on the matter makes no difference.
From my 2016 blog post:
It wasn’t my choice. I didn’t even have a say in it.
Yeah it’s over
Yeah it’s over
And that’s probably the worst feeling in the world.
-----
From a 2015 blog post: Stay
I was thinking about this last night.
After my friends get married, a few months after the ceremony and reception, I always ask them how they knew they married the right person.
I'm single and prospecting, as one of my co-workers put it this morning (ha, ha). I ask my friends that question because I don't know the answer.
My oldest and best friend had my favorite answer. I remember that conversation like it happened yesterday.
We were sitting in a garage last summer, playing with dogs. I was talking about my personal life - which doesn't happen very often - and I remember specifically what she said to me on how she knew she picked the right person to marry.
"He stayed."
It's a simple answer.
All you have to do is find someone who will stay? I always thought there was some unknown magic trick to love (or something like that...).
It turns out that nope, there's no magic trick or formula.
All they have to do is stay.
Last summer, I thought that answer was bullshit. There has to be some way to know, I thought.
I get it now. Staying is important.
One of the consequences and side effects of being human is finding a person who won't stay.
When I look at my married friends, how happy they are and how their spouses blend seamlessly into our group of friends, I have a little glimmer of hope.
Eventually, someone will stay.
Eventually.
---
I wish this blog post had a happy ending but it doesn't.
One day I was with someone and the next day I wasn't.
One day I was planning concerts and road trips to take with him and then the next day he was no longer a part of my life.
How do you get over it?
How long does the pain last?
No comments:
Post a Comment