Damn it baby, damn it

It’s over when it’s over

Ain’t it baby ain’t it.

This post will not be on my Facebook page. I will not put it on my Twitter feed. I probably won’t even talk about it in person. If you ask me about it, I’ll awkwardly change the subject about something else.

Did you know we had six inches of rain last night in Wichita? Ten inches just south of here.

Okay, back to the topic at hand.

I wrote one of my favorite blog posts last summer. It’s called Stay, and you can read it here.

I wrote that after I spent a night crying in my house, a house I had just bought. I went upstairs to unpack my books. I thought, if books can’t make me happy then nothing could make me happy.

I bought my house after a relationship failed. He never stepped foot in my house, but I talked to him about the process. When my offer on the house was accepted, he heard about it. He saw pictures of it.

Rips ya like a dagger

Can it baby, can it

I pictured him visiting, standing in my house, on my front porch, in my back yard, hanging out with my family while barbecuing. I pictured a future, which I’m pretty sure is a common thing in every relationship.

Wish we could do it over

Damn it baby, damn it

And then that never happened. As my previous blog post spelled out, he didn't stay, which is fine. You don’t have to stay.

You are free to leave whenever you want to.

We had it in the air, we just couldn’t land it

Leaving is easy. Leaving someone without warning is even easier. You don’t have to deal with the flood after the storm. You can leave while it’s raining and go in the opposite direction of the storm into the sunshine.

You leave disaster in your path. And maybe your rear view mirror is broken. Maybe you don’t care about looking back.

It’s the first snap, of the last draw

Where regrets outlast the alcohol

Part of the reason this is hard on me is because I’m in the city that he lives in. There are times when I don’t think about him at all, like when I take my nieces to a football game, to the zoo, or have sleepovers with them.

And then, other times, he’s everywhere. 

It’s a cold sweat, in an empty bed

And dreams are like a knife

When you’re hanging by a thread

We met here for a date. We went there for a date. We talked about the future. And then, without much warning at all, it was suddenly taken away.

I’ve been kind of a nutcase ever since. I’m better now, but there’s always going to be a little part of me that’s a little broken.

And no, maybe we can make it if we just play the right cards

When my friends break up with people, I always tell them encouraging stuff.

You’ll find someone better.

He was a loser anyway.

I never liked him.

There are other fish in the sea.

You deserve someone better.

Now it’s over when it’s over

Ain’t it baby, ain’t it

Rips ya like a dagger

Can it baby, can it

Oddly enough, I don’t actually believe any of those things about my own life. I don’t understand how you can basically throw an entire human being away, like a piece of garbage. I don’t understand how you can do that and not be bothered by it.

I was a piece of trash that he easily disposed of.

Our relationship was not long, if it was even a relationship at all. It doesn’t even seem real. None of my good friends met him (red flag alert!). I never met his family (another red flag alert!). I don’t have much evidence this relationship, if that’s what it was, even existed at all.

Was it even real? It was on my end. Whether it was on his end is a question that I will never have an answer to.

It’s like someone died without their photo ever being taken.

It’s a white flag

It’s a stop sign

It’s the last long drag on a Marlboro Light

It’s a long night, beatin’ up the past

Now when the first lie, is gonna hit you back

This ain’t no gone for good drill

Or no goodbye for tomorrow, it’s over

Part of the conference I’m attending is talking about several leadership competencies. The speaker told us this morning that we need to speak to loss.

I’m sure she meant in a workplace setting and not a whiny overly attached ex-girlfriend situation, but I’m going to take her advice to heart anyhow.

This is a loss.

I’m getting to the age where a successful relationship means marriage and children. For a moment, however brief it may have been, I had that hope.

And then that was taken from me and given to someone else. (Who knows, maybe he’s giving it to several other people – pun intended. Ooh snap!)

It wasn’t my choice. I didn’t even have a say in it.

Yeah it’s over

Yeah it’s over

And that’s probably the worst feeling in the world.

There ain’t no better way

We could make it work

It’s a blank page

When you’re outta words

Yeah it’s a flat line

It’s a heart attack

Yeah it’s too far gone to be shocked back

It’s a one way, with nowhere to turn

It’s a no breaks, baby, crash and burn

Ain’t no map gonna ever bring us back

From where we are

I’ve spent a lot of time trying to forget he ever happened. I’ve spent a lot of time wondering when I’ll forget about him. I’ve tried to delete everything that ever reminded me of him.

But I can’t delete the spot we first kissed. I can’t delete the places we went on dates. I can’t delete the spot he looked at pictures of my house. I can’t delete the spot we first “met” for our first date, because that’s the spot I’m at right now, crying.

I’m not doing a good job of deleting him.

It’s just over when it’s over

Ain’t it baby, ain’t it

Rips ya like a dagger

Can it baby, can it

Wish we could do it over

Damn it, baby, damn it

Had it in the air, but just couldn’t land it

Maybe people aren’t meant to be deleted. Maybe I’ll remember him forever. Maybe the reason he was placed in my life to begin with was to teach me how not to treat people.

I will never do what he did to me to another person. I don’t have it in me.

Rips ya like a dagger

Can it baby, can it

Wish we could do it over, damn it baby damn it

I’m hardly the first person in the world to have suffered a broken heart. As I’m looking around this wonderful, large group of women, I have to stop myself because I want to ask them questions.

How long does it hurt? How do you get over it? There is someone better out there, right?

Had it in the air, we just couldn't land it