Disappearing from relationships

On my Facebook feed, something popped up from The New York Times.

It read: "This weekend's article about people disappearing from relationships drew a strong response online."

Apparently, it's called "ghosting."

I read that story at the end of June. I still have it pulled up on my phone, and I still read the comments to boost my morale at times.

Break ups are harsh. I mean, is there ever a nice way to say 'I never want to see you or talk to you again' to someone's face?

No, there's not a nice way to do it.

But yes, you should absolutely have that conversation. To not even bother to have that conversation, and to "ghost" someone, means you're a shitty human being who's probably not ready to be in a serious relationship.

I almost wrote that in all caps, but I decided against it.

Yes, this is a topic near and dear to my heart.

I can't change the past, but I can promise to never do to someone else what was done to me.

Ghosting...I didn't even know there was a name for it.

/rant

Online comments about the original story:

I'm glad there's a term for this -- it's more accurate than "dumped." It happened to me awhile back, in a relationship of 18 months that had grown quite serious. After three weeks of silence, I decided someone ought to issue an acknowledgement, and wrote him a note (by hand, sent via USPS) saying I was hurt and confused by his behavior, but had enjoyed good times with him and wished him well. It felt right to offer a sincere closing on my end, even if his actions were rude and immature. Maintaining my own integrity weakened the sting. In a sense, I, not he, was the one closing the door.

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How about calling it what it is: the right to be rude.

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You know, sometimes we must put on our Big Girl/Big Boy panties
and do the right thing - behave like adults.

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The practice of ignoring those who have invested time and emotion into a relationship with us, so as to save their own emotions when that investment no longer seems worth it, is not at all a new phenomenon. Ghosting has been happening in relationships for eons and is now simply being applied across the capabilities of social media to "unfriend" the undesirable. The impetus is the same as it ever was.

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If it's someone you've been with for more than a couple of dates, it's unfair to inflict the worry. Is she dead? Is he stroke paralyzed in his apartment? Was she kidnapped? Did he lose his phone and contact list? Heck, I'd file a missing person report in some of these cases. For Sean Penn, its different. But for your average Betty from the Bronx, what should a caring person do?

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I, too, was a victim of ghosting. We had been dating for 4 months and he was leaving for the weekend to attend a conference. I told him to have a great weekend and then never heard from him again. I was surprised because he had always been respectful and mature. I never reached out to him because truth be told, I had planned on ending the relationship anyway. I'm guessing he just thought he'd beat me to it.

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Now I see I am well rid of such a spineless liar, but when it happened, I was devastated. No one deserves this kind of treatment.

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Lots of people are saying "ghosting" is cowardly. Funny thing, the "ghoster" doesn't care. They want their comfort above all else.

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"Ghosting" is a non-adult way of avoiding an uncomfortable conversation. With that said, two stories:

Years ago, I had two dates with a man who was lovely but not a match. As I pondered what to do, I received a note from him, telling me that while he was happy to have met me and thought I was terrific, he did not think we were not a match, and he wished me well. I remember thinking what a sweet affirming note and a class act.

Also years ago, I had three dates with a guy who was also not a match. On our second date, he bemoaned how people seemed to need to have conversations when breaking up, and why couldn't people just fade away, wasn't that the same message? Bemused, I stored that note in my head, and after the third date, when I was sure we were not a match, rather than send him a note, I gave him his wish and simply faded away. That's the only time I've ever ghosted another person, and I believe it was mutual.

At the end of the day, "ghostees" are actually lucky in that their candidates disqualify themselves as partners, as they reveal their lack of empathy, not to mention their inability to conduct adult and possibly uncomfortable conversations.

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PEOPLE! Be human. Before you take what seems like the easy way out and just ignore a person you've been connecting well with (even if only online so far), just think about how it would feel for you if it were reversed!

If you thought things were going fine and showing promise; if you had bought tickets for the show you both agreed to see, or ingredients for the dinner you both agreed to make; or if you had showed up at the hour and place you had both agreed to meet… and then you heard NOTHING. Ever. Again.

It's just profoundly inhumane, and paints you as not just lazy, inconsiderate & immature, but really sociopathic.

This has happened to me on a couple of occasions over the years, and I still don't know if the dates who did not show up as promised, or respond in any way after, are in hospital, dead, or married to someone else! I continue to be really flabbergasted at how twisted and tortured their minds must be, to decide to treat another human being so cavalierly, so meanly, so unkindly. And yes, it IS a decision, even though you "ghosters" may be telling yourself, "I just let it slide, I didn't make any decision at all, it just happened by my not doing anything…"

It actually takes LESS psychic energy on your part to text a quick "Can't make it after all. Something came up." and perhaps later, "I'm not feeling it, I'd rather not continue. Sorry." THEN block & disconnect. Be worthy of the word Human, and of being treated as such by the next person you connect with.