Wing and a prayer.

I’m all about talking about the not so pretty side of life. Let’s talk about how life doesn’t always go as planned and how you end up in interesting situations sometimes.

Last year, I was worried about selling my house, moving across the state and starting a new job. Last night, my major life problem was trying not to moon the good people of Kansas City.

I’ll take this year’s problems over last year’s problems, hands down, no contest, please and thank you.

—

The first Wednesday of the month is always my favorite day of the month. I go to Nearby Big City to attend a poetry competition. I've only read at said competition once, but I like going every month to see what everyone else is writing. (Hint: They're all better than I am, and I like that.)

I got there a bit early and ate at one of my favorite restaurants. I had 1.5 waters and a mango lassi. (Please remember this part of the story and take notes. It's important. There will be a quiz later.)

I got to the poetry competition place and I forgot something in my car. I walked back to get it, and as I sat down in my car, I felt and heard a very loud rip.

Oh noes.

I know what that sound is — it’s the sound of my pants peacing out for the night and for the rest of their life. There will officially be a funeral for those pants, because they are not coming back to life.

I split my pants in Kansas City, guys.

I was initially really happy about this, because introverts love excuses to skip social events.

Once I drove away, I realized I had a major problem on my hands. I had 2.5 drinks at dinner (non-alcoholic, mind you) and now I have to figure out a way to stop at a gas station without getting charged with indecent exposure.

I never thought I would write a sentence like that, but here we are. It's time to put my adult pants on, which are so ripped that I can't even explain how ripped they are, and figure this problem out on my own. (Calling Mom and Dad about this problem is not acceptable, I decided. They are 300+ miles away and probably playing Scrabble and don't care.)

It’s June. Although it’s been cool out, I did not bring a winter coat or an extra pair of clothes, which are things that I usually keep in my car in the winter.

And my giant purse, which would cover my backside, was in my trunk.

I ran through a few scenarios in my head:

• Find a secluded back road, which is not my style.
• Wait 1.5 hours until I got home, which was not possible.
• Pull over at a gas station and just figure something out when I got there. Wing and a prayer it, if you will.
• Rip up a reusable grocery bag, with no scissors, and wrap that around my waist —not the most feasible of options.
• Call someone I know in Kansas City and ask for help. I don’t know anyone in Kansas City. 🤦‍♂️
• Call a clothing store and beg an employee to bring me a jacket outside so I could go inside, which would likely land me in a psych ward. Who begs for a jacket in June?

I went with the third option, the pulling over at the nearest gas station and just figuring it out. I parked at the back of the gas station, found an old coat that did not fit in my trunk, held it around my waist and then strolled into the building like I owned the place.

When your biggest life problem is trying to not moon Kansas City, I think that means life turned out all right.

I usually do pretty good in stressful situations, and then freak out when everything is nice and normal afterwards. I also feel the need to say that I don’t wear those pants that often because they’re baggy on me, and very distressed.

Well, they’re a little more distressed now, I guess.

🤷