Mixed signals

I did not save this image, and I’m going to regret this for the rest of my life. Or for the rest of the week, whatever.

I was scrolling through whatever social media platform, and out of the corner of my eye, I saw an image.

It read: If the CDC gives us more mixed signals, I’m going to fall in love with it.

😂

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Not that that needs any more explanation, but I think it’d be a fun journey through Monicahood if I list all of the red flags that I’ve ignored over the years.

- Mommy issues.

- Getting your mom a Christmas gift and not me. 

- ‘I ordered your present but it hasn’t come yet.’ No you didn’t.

- ‘I gave your gift to someone to wrap and she won’t give it back to me.’ 😂

- Ex-girlfriend issues.

- ‘My ex-girlfriend just wants a shoulder to cry on.’ That’s not what she wants to cry on.

- Keeping your phone face down on silent every time we’re together.

- The guy and his mom calling me the wrong name — the same wrong name. Surely that’s a coincidence, right?

- ‘My sister hasn’t liked anyone I’ve ever dated. If she likes you, then you’re the one.’ I hated her. And dude, it’s your job to impress me, not the other way around. Well, it should be your job, not that you ever had a work ethic to begin with. 

- Waiting for a response, and being your friend on Facebook, when your other girlfriend tags you in a post where you bought her flowers. Shithead never gave me flowers.

- ‘I’ve never felt like this ever.’ Sir, you were dating me and someone else at the same time. You’re getting that feeling from both of us, so please shut up and stop saying that. 

- ‘I’m going through some stuff right now.’ Some stuff = someone else. 

- The biggest red flag ever: when their dad treats their mom like shit. Pay attention to whether you want your life to look like that.

- I asked him to delete his dating apps on his iPhone after spending the holidays together and after dating for six months. Shithead says to me: “It’s not that I’m talking to other women on those apps, I’m not. I’m just looking to see who’s out there. I want to know what my options are besides you.” Your mother must be so proud of you.

- Guy in-between the first and second date: ‘I’ve been talking to this other girl, and she’s coming to stay with me for a week. I’m interested in you and I want to get to know you, but I need to see if it goes somewhere with her first. I need to make sure you’re okay with that.’

Thank you, next.

A year later, randomly when I’m minding my own business, the same guy texts me:  “I don’t know if you remember me, but we met last year. WYD right now?

Not you.

This is literally how not to treat women 101.

(There was no second date and I didn’t respond to him a year later. I’m not option B, C, D or Z.)

🤣