Right now, though, I'm failing to see a reason why things are happening.
I noticed the other day that I felt weird. Fall is one my favorite seasons, but something has been off this year.
This is the first fall in a while that I haven't been dating anybody.
There are pros and cons to this. When I had to change a light bulb by myself for the first time in a couple of years, I got irrationally angry.
I pulled the ladder out, dropped it, it scraped against the wall and left a mark, and my poor Pugs went running for the hills. They were terrified.
Before, all I had to do was hand a light bulb to the guy standing beside me, and that was the extent of me changing a light bulb.
I went to the chiropractor earlier this week, and she asked about my holiday plans. Are you going to bicker with anyone on how to split your time this year?
I told her that this year, I don't have to do that.
Oh, she said. Oh.
OH.
And then I realized that I'm pretty lucky.
This year on the holidays, I don't have to spend time getting to know people who will disappear from my life shortly after. I don't have to buy extra gifts, I don't have to get to know new people, and I don't have to be on my best behavior.
There are things I miss about being in a relationship, but there are more things that I do not miss.
I do not miss being told that an ex-girlfriend is proud of my boyfriend's new relationship with me. (Thank God I had the ex-girlfriend's approval. I'm not sure how I would live without that.)
I do not miss being told the details of why the ex-girlfriend's ex-boyfriend didn't marry her when he was supposed to. ( I could be at my house playing with my Pugs, and instead we're here discussing your ex-girlfriend imaginary wedding?)
My nieces sometimes bring up relationships to me. They remember the last one and still ask about him.
I tell the little girls that he's a mean butthead. I tell them they aren't ever going to see him again. I tell the girls that the guy they're asking about, the one who played on playgrounds with them, is gone forever. He got lost. He is lost.
Then their 5-year-old logic kicks in.
"If he's lost, why don't we go find him? Let's go drive around. I'll get your keys."
Ha, ha, girls. It's not that easy. He's going to stay lost forever.
"Well, Aunt Monica, what about that other one?"
Ha, ha.
---
I wish this post had a point, but it doesn't. (Maybe the point is that this is my blog and I can whine if I want to.)
I'm sure this is all happening for a reason and I'm sure there's a bigger meaning to life out there, somewhere. Maybe on the other side of the world, even.
I wish there was a reason these relationships happened in the first place. I wish I learned an important life lesson from their demise.
But I didn't. There are no reasons and there are no life lessons to be had, here.
Right now, I'm pissed off that I have to change my own light bulbs and go to coffee shops by myself.
And at this point in my life, I think being mad about those things is perfectly all right.
--
Song of the moment:
The fed up don't give a damn
Bartender, if you're with me
Pour some whiskey on this drowning man
Don't tell me about no beach
No, I don't want to hear about your mountain
How the good life is a peach
You drink your sunsets from a fountain
No, I don't want to think about it
Save your breath, I don't want to hear about it
*I didn't have a picture to use for this post, but I had one of Nashville on my computer that I took back in May. So, Nashville it is.
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