Ad Astra Per Aspera

I was at a conference in North Dakota in June with about 100 other women when I got a push notification on my phone. The notification was that Roe v. Wade was overturned. 

I starred at my phone, and my world stopped. I looked around the room, and a lot of other women in the big room I was in were doing the same exact thing I was doing, which was looking at my phone in disbelief.

The Supreme Court leak told us all what was coming. Still, I didn't think it would happen. Later that night, people started gathering in the same room around a window in the hotel that looked out onto the streets of Fargo. 

Eventually, I got up to see what the commotion was. Everyone in the room looked down, onto the streets of Fargo, as people marched through downtown.

I didn't know what else to do that night. What do you do after a day like that? I went back to my hotel room, put my headphones on, and played Tim McGraw's song Red Ragtop on repeat until I fell asleep.

I was out of a job and she was in school

And life was fast and the world was cruel

We were young and wild

We decided not to have a child

This song was released 20 years ago.

--

My little home state of Kansas is in the news today. In case you haven't heard, Kansas is the first state to put abortion on the ballot since Roe v. Wade was overturned.

Republicans wanted the states to vote on the issue. 

Decision makers in Kansas, whose names I don't even know because I don't really care, invented a lot of drama over the issue. The question on the ballot was worded confusing intentionally. 

I took a picture of my ballot, and I will put it in this here blog post.

Additionally, it was put on the primary election ballot, not the general election ballot.

On purpose. 

There was a deceiving message sent out the night before the election, which downright lied, telling people to vote yes to protect women's rights. 

Drama, lies, scandal. It was delicious drama and fodder for the rest of the country.

From my perspective, the people who be who tried to push this through thought Kansans would be too dumb to understand what they were voting for, if they even voted for the issue at all. 

Tsk, Tsk, people who be. 

Don't underestimate my state. 

Kansas voted no, which means that women have a constitutional right to abortion. 

Abortion is not banned in my state. That means that rape victims will not need to co-parent a child or children with their rapist. 

That means that 9-year-old will not have to go through childbirth. 

That means that women who have pregnancy complications can get healthcare without fear of being turned away and left to die without life saving treatment. 

Don't turn your back on Kansas, ever. We are strong, we are quiet, we are friendly, and we are pretty fiercely independent.

We don't like being told what to do. 

My favorite Reddit comment from the debacle: THIS IS JOHN BROWN COUNTRY, BITCHES.

This week I've been thinking of all the wonderful, strong, independent women I know personally who have been raped. 

I've been thinking about the abortion doctor in Wichita who was murdered in his church in 2009. (People voted in that same church on this issue yesterday.)

I thought about everyone I know who took pregnancy tests after failed relationships, when the man left suddenly and never reached out nine months later to see what, if anything, happened. 

Gone, suddenly and with no warning.

It happens more than you think it does.

--

Kansas, I am so proud of you and so in love with you right now.

Our state motto: Ad Astra Per Aspera — to the stars through difficulties.

'Rona diaries, part 2

The cruel part of this disease is that there are a lot of unknowns. I don't know when I was exposed to it, I don't know who I came in contact with that had it and I'm not even certain what day my symptoms started. 

I do know what day I tested positive, so I know that that counts as day one. Or maybe that's considered day zero? I'm not even sure about that. Does it even matter at this point?

So far I know that this disease is cruel. If my early symptoms were considered mild, and if this is what it feels fully vaccinated and boosted, then I understand why millions have died of this over the past 2.5 years.

The pain is horrible.

In the thick of it, I wondered a lot if it was the worst pain I've ever felt. In the middle of my coughing fits the other night, I didn't come up with an answer on whether COVID is more painful than the most painful thing I've ever experienced.

I could sugar coat it, not tell anyone about, and I could just keep my mouth shut. 

I'm not going to.

The pain that night felt like the worst altitude sickness that I've ever had. Every single inch of my body hurt. It hurt to move.

On top of that pain, it felt like every single tooth in my mouth was abscessed and needed a root canal. I actually looked at my back teeth to see if they were cracked. 

And on top on that, it felt like I had an ear infection in both ears. 

The pain was that bad. 

I didn't sleep that night. I finally slept a little when light started coming in my windows the next morning. 

There's medicine that you can take to lesson your symptoms, and on my second day of symptoms, I made a call to my doctor's office to see if I could get it. I figured I'd need all the help I can get.

I started on that medicine 24 hours ago, and the difference I feel is night and day. 

I'm functional today. I feel pretty normal, and I feel pretty good.

It seems crazy to me that one day I felt terrible and the next day I'm looking forward to the day I can leave my house and be normal again.

--

The medication has several side effects, one being an altered sense of taste. I can still taste and smell, and I really, really wish that wasn't the case.

Compared to my pain problem earlier this week, this is not an actual problem, just something slightly irritating that absolutely won't matter in the grand scheme of things.

My current problem is that almost everything tastes like soap, metal or sand.  

Ice water tastes like soap. Iced tea? Soap. 

Banana? Sand. 

Chocolate? Kind of like chocolate, with a squirt of a Dawn aftertaste.

Macaroni salad? Metal. 

The only thing that tastes decent is Gatorade, and I am downing that like crazy.

I'll take this problem over my previous problems this week, hands down. 

--

I've also gotten an inside look at what my dogs do all day, which is nothing. Haha. 

The 'Rona diaries, part 1

July 12 — Covid detention day one

 

They say all great empires fall. This great empire, who has seen a bunch of stuff in the last 2.5 years, finally fell on July 12, 2022, with a positive COVID-19 diagnosis.

 

Who finally gets COVID-19 for the first time in 2022?

 

This girl.

 

This is going to be my ‘Rona diary, and I’m going to publish it after I get out of detention. Or maybe before. I don't really have a plan, here. 

Being an adult is kind of like taking a bunch of important papers, arranged in order, throwing them up in the air, and then giving up and just walking out of the the room and leaving the mess on the floor.

 

This morning I woke up with a low-grade fever and a deep cough, two things which absolutely are not normal for me.

 

I took a test and waited around for the results. I was dressed and ready for work, and did a full face of make up.

 

And then I went home, told my dogs they had a ‘Rona mama, and then we set about doing absolutely nothing for the next few days.

 

It’s really hard to do nothing when society tells you to be doing something constantly. I moved a week ago and don’t have internet yet. I did order it, and I will cherish the hell out of it when I can finally find a binge-worthy show.

 

Until then, I’m going to move slowly around and see what I can get done in my new house. I unpacked some boxes, found my old iPods, and I’m in the middle of charging all of them up.

 

I still have the first-ever iPod that was released, plus two other ones (including an iPod Touch, which was so REVOLUATIONARY at the time). I’m looking forward to exploring my music before I discovered who I really love in life, whose last name rhymes with smurch.

I got a CNN notification on my phone, with this story: It's time to start paying more attention to COVID-19 again. 

I read that story standing in my kitchen. The exact thought in my head when I read that story while suffering from COVID: Thanks, captain obvious.

 

Key factors from ‘Rona detention, day one:

-       My friends are going to get a lot of TikToks from me this week.

-       Internet is important.

-       This is why I don’t like planning ahead. Why bother?

-       Instacart is the best thing ever. (Contactless, of course.)

Quote

 

On life

Garden City, Kansas, is currently 790 miles away from me. It was my first job out of college, and a place that I lived for 2.5 years.

It’s near the site of the events that happened in the book In Cold Blood, written by Truman Capote, and he had Harper Lee, who wrote To Kill A Mockingbird, there with him, too.

I am watching the movie Capote in a hotel room 790 miles away. 

Today, I laughed so hard I cried. I traveled to three new states and I met and took in new people and new sights.

Today I saw a glimpse of who I will be in the future, and I like that person a lot. Realizing that for the first time is powerful. 

To quote someone I met tonight: “Oh my God, I almost married that dumbass.”

🤣

Love when you are ready not when you are lonely.

I stole this from LinkedIn, and I like the message here.

Dating because you're lonely isn't a good enough reason to date. Trust me.

--

Being single is not going to kill you & being in a relationship is not going to heal you.

Unfortunately, people get into relationships without knowing what they are looking for and claim that, “it just happened!”

This could be one of the many reasons why there are many broken or unhealthy relationships.

Many of our problems are created because we do not set boundaries for ourselves; we quickly respond with a yes, when in fact, we meant to say no.

What people say they want compared to what they naturally respond to end up being two different things.

Until you get comfortable with knowing why you want what you want, you will never know if you are choosing something out of love or neediness.

A healthy relationship is when two people come together to meet each other's needs, to share a completeness and to create beautiful memories!

You do not need someone to complete you; you are whole all by yourself.

“A healthy relationship is the result of two people sharing their completeness, not completing each other."

It is not our job to change people we love to what we think they should be, but it is our job to recognize when a relationship is toxic and requires us to walk away from it.

Before you jump into a new relationship, before you are defined by someone else, take the time to define who you are first. 

Love when you are ready not when you are lonely.

Wing and a prayer.

I’m all about talking about the not so pretty side of life. Let’s talk about how life doesn’t always go as planned and how you end up in interesting situations sometimes.

Last year, I was worried about selling my house, moving across the state and starting a new job. Last night, my major life problem was trying not to moon the good people of Kansas City.

I’ll take this year’s problems over last year’s problems, hands down, no contest, please and thank you.

—

The first Wednesday of the month is always my favorite day of the month. I go to Nearby Big City to attend a poetry competition. I've only read at said competition once, but I like going every month to see what everyone else is writing. (Hint: They're all better than I am, and I like that.)

I got there a bit early and ate at one of my favorite restaurants. I had 1.5 waters and a mango lassi. (Please remember this part of the story and take notes. It's important. There will be a quiz later.)

I got to the poetry competition place and I forgot something in my car. I walked back to get it, and as I sat down in my car, I felt and heard a very loud rip.

Oh noes.

I know what that sound is — it’s the sound of my pants peacing out for the night and for the rest of their life. There will officially be a funeral for those pants, because they are not coming back to life.

I split my pants in Kansas City, guys.

I was initially really happy about this, because introverts love excuses to skip social events.

Once I drove away, I realized I had a major problem on my hands. I had 2.5 drinks at dinner (non-alcoholic, mind you) and now I have to figure out a way to stop at a gas station without getting charged with indecent exposure.

I never thought I would write a sentence like that, but here we are. It's time to put my adult pants on, which are so ripped that I can't even explain how ripped they are, and figure this problem out on my own. (Calling Mom and Dad about this problem is not acceptable, I decided. They are 300+ miles away and probably playing Scrabble and don't care.)

It’s June. Although it’s been cool out, I did not bring a winter coat or an extra pair of clothes, which are things that I usually keep in my car in the winter.

And my giant purse, which would cover my backside, was in my trunk.

I ran through a few scenarios in my head:

• Find a secluded back road, which is not my style.
• Wait 1.5 hours until I got home, which was not possible.
• Pull over at a gas station and just figure something out when I got there. Wing and a prayer it, if you will.
• Rip up a reusable grocery bag, with no scissors, and wrap that around my waist —not the most feasible of options.
• Call someone I know in Kansas City and ask for help. I don’t know anyone in Kansas City. 🤦‍♂️
• Call a clothing store and beg an employee to bring me a jacket outside so I could go inside, which would likely land me in a psych ward. Who begs for a jacket in June?

I went with the third option, the pulling over at the nearest gas station and just figuring it out. I parked at the back of the gas station, found an old coat that did not fit in my trunk, held it around my waist and then strolled into the building like I owned the place.

When your biggest life problem is trying to not moon Kansas City, I think that means life turned out all right.

I usually do pretty good in stressful situations, and then freak out when everything is nice and normal afterwards. I also feel the need to say that I don’t wear those pants that often because they’re baggy on me, and very distressed.

Well, they’re a little more distressed now, I guess.

🤷