I think that this is when it's over for me

I love me some petty drama, especially if it doesn’t impact my personal life at all.

On Valentine’s Day, a certain country singer released a break up album about her divorce. Please note that I’ve never been married (or divorced) and I pretty much gave up on dating since the last guy did me in, but more on that later.

For people who don’t speak country music: Guy and girl got divorced. Guy released a heartbreak song first, which made a lot of people, myself included, pretty much hate the girl in the scenario.

Justified? Absolutely not. But feelings are feelings and OMG, she broke his heart!

And then she released new music on Valentine’s Day. I love the pettiness of breakup music on Valentine’s Day. At the moment I decided to give her new music a listen, I had just read a Facebook update from a single friend, wishing everyone a very happy Independence Day on Feb. 14. 

I about died of laughter. It was a fantastic moment.

So this blog post is about the moment I knew it was over in one relationship.

Is this personal? Yes, but it needs to be told. Why? One, I'm pretty sure I have written about this moment in the past. Two, men need to know that it's not okay to cheat and to be on dating apps when you're dating a girl for six months and taking her home to meet your family for the holidays.

Not. Okay.

Third: When we write about the things, we heal from the things.

--

There are things I know now that I didn’t know then. At the time this happened in my life, I was very much in love and I wanted my relationship to work out. 

Hindsight is always 20/20.

It was late at night, or early in the morning, depending on your attitude about late nights. We hadn’t fought at all that day or night, and we were having a perfectly normal conversation. About what, I don’t remember. 

(I wish I remembered the last moments of that relationship, but at the time, I didn’t know they were the lasts. That’s probably another story entirely.)

I went to touch his hair, which was something I did often. This was completely normal to me. He slapped my arm away from him before my hand reached his hair. 

Physically, he slapped my arm away from him.

I immediately got up and left. 

The cheating and lying part did not make me leave. Why? I don’t know, but it probably has something to do with the fact that it didn’t happen right in front of my face. I never saw her or talked to her — she was just this imaginary, mythological creature that we fought about constantly. (Me: Please stop. Him: No. Me: But I said please. Him: No.)

I looked around his place and I knew that would be the last time that I would ever step foot in his apartment again.

I said goodbye to him and his things mentally, and then I got in my car in his driveway. As soon as I turned the ignition, I started crying as soon as I heard the song that was playing over my speakers.

It was Eric Church’s song Some of It. What brought me to tears was the part of the song that was playing:

What really makes you a man

Is being true to her

‘Til your glass runs out of sand

That was the moment I knew it was over for me. All it took was a slap on the arm, Eric Church singing about being true to a woman, and I booked it out of there so fast I could not leave fast enough.

The song Mountain With A View has been all over TikTok the past few days. Women are sharing their stories about the moment they realized it was over, and I think there’s a whole new generation of women who are just now learning, through this music, that leaving a man doesn’t mean that you failed. It just means that you love yourself more than the pain he put you through.

That’s a hard lesson to learn. 

I think that this is when I cut the tie loose

I think that is when I set myself free

One day you’ll ask, “When was it over for you?”

I think that this is when it was over for me.

--

So what happened to him? 

I don't care.

So what happened to me?

Short story long: I did everything that I wanted to do, and I did it on my own. 

It was a lovely dream.

Love

Dreams

Cozy sleeps

Red like his wine

And the cherry in my drink

It was a lovely dream

Gold

Like the ring I wanted

but never got

Summer

Drunk music

Loud as we could get it

A flask in the neighbor’s yard

Laughter

Breakfasts

Road trips

Meeting his family

Him meeting mine

Blue

Like his eyes

In the summer skies

Brown

Like my knee high boots

He asked me to wear

Like coffee on my bedside table in the morning

And his couch

A pile of clothes on the floor

And I still want more

Football games on bar TVs

Rooting for purple, not orange

Kisses

Tongues and touches

Passion

Holding hands

And each other

Gentle touches

Cute clutches

Fall

Orange, red and yellow everywhere

A city starry night sky

Music downtown

Long walks, art, museums

Taking Ubers around town

Leaves on the ground

And then I was down

It was good while it was good, and then it wasn’t

It was alive

Until it wasn’t

White

Like his sheets

And the snow

And his lies

And all the times I tried

It felt like love

But it wasn’t

Could have spent forever with him

But won’t

Not love

Not passion

Not red or gold

Or purple or white or yellow

Black, like

Loneliness

Unfaithfulness

Unreturned messages

Love unappreciated and 

Unhindered

Staring at a wall

Wondering if he’ll call

or care at all

Or fall 

back in love

or lust

or whatever that was

Thinking about how fast time is moving

Without him

Missing him

Lies

Deceit 

Cold feet

Rejection

No affection

Sleeping on his pillow

It smells like him and he’s not here

Colors everywhere

All around me, yet all l I see is 

Grey

Cold and brokenness

Snow everywhere

Mud and muck

Gave him my all, gave him my best

How does love go from happy one day

to dead the next?

Mixed signals

I did not save this image, and I’m going to regret this for the rest of my life. Or for the rest of the week, whatever.

I was scrolling through whatever social media platform, and out of the corner of my eye, I saw an image.

It read: If the CDC gives us more mixed signals, I’m going to fall in love with it.

😂

—

Not that that needs any more explanation, but I think it’d be a fun journey through Monicahood if I list all of the red flags that I’ve ignored over the years.

- Mommy issues.

- Getting your mom a Christmas gift and not me. 

- ‘I ordered your present but it hasn’t come yet.’ No you didn’t.

- ‘I gave your gift to someone to wrap and she won’t give it back to me.’ 😂

- Ex-girlfriend issues.

- ‘My ex-girlfriend just wants a shoulder to cry on.’ That’s not what she wants to cry on.

- Keeping your phone face down on silent every time we’re together.

- The guy and his mom calling me the wrong name — the same wrong name. Surely that’s a coincidence, right?

- ‘My sister hasn’t liked anyone I’ve ever dated. If she likes you, then you’re the one.’ I hated her. And dude, it’s your job to impress me, not the other way around. Well, it should be your job, not that you ever had a work ethic to begin with. 

- Waiting for a response, and being your friend on Facebook, when your other girlfriend tags you in a post where you bought her flowers. Shithead never gave me flowers.

- ‘I’ve never felt like this ever.’ Sir, you were dating me and someone else at the same time. You’re getting that feeling from both of us, so please shut up and stop saying that. 

- ‘I’m going through some stuff right now.’ Some stuff = someone else. 

- The biggest red flag ever: when their dad treats their mom like shit. Pay attention to whether you want your life to look like that.

- I asked him to delete his dating apps on his iPhone after spending the holidays together and after dating for six months. Shithead says to me: “It’s not that I’m talking to other women on those apps, I’m not. I’m just looking to see who’s out there. I want to know what my options are besides you.” Your mother must be so proud of you.

- Guy in-between the first and second date: ‘I’ve been talking to this other girl, and she’s coming to stay with me for a week. I’m interested in you and I want to get to know you, but I need to see if it goes somewhere with her first. I need to make sure you’re okay with that.’

Thank you, next.

A year later, randomly when I’m minding my own business, the same guy texts me:  “I don’t know if you remember me, but we met last year. WYD right now?

Not you.

This is literally how not to treat women 101.

(There was no second date and I didn’t respond to him a year later. I’m not option B, C, D or Z.)

🤣

I'm working on myself before I find you

People ask me why I do things alone

Plan a trip across the country out of the blue

I tell them because I want to, but the truth is

I’m working on myself before I find you

 

Road trips, airports, layovers and subways

A cute coat for a big city, a glittery shoe

I’m wandering all around the country

to make sure I like myself before I meet you

 

I’ll do yoga, journal, meditate and write

I’ll buy a house and move on my own

I’ll go to lunch and travel with friends, and if they don’t

want to go, then I’ll do these things alone

 

I’m working on myself before I find you

I need to make sure I’m good company

I don’t mind standing on my own two feet

before I find someone else to accompany

 

I’ll park a few block away

from a bookstore in the rain

I’ll people watch on the street

and I’ll wonder about their pain

 

I’ll spend hours picking out what I want

Thumb through the stacks, getting a feel for what I like

I think books are like relationships

In that no two are ever alike

 

I’m working on myself before I meet you

Let the rain drops hit my skin before I go inside

I don’t need an umbrella, I don’t run from the bad things in life

I want to feel this and I don’t want to hide

 

I’m making sure I like myself

I’m cautious of who I trust

I need deep conversations – philosophy, arts, and science

And if I don’t find that, then I need to adjust

 

I’m working on finding myself before I find you

My patience, my shopping, my sense of wonder

I know you’re out there somewhere – to talk to, lean on

and make love to under the thunder

 

Rain drops on the roof

Melodic and peaceful

I’ll be able to hear you breathing

Rhythmic and beautiful

 

I’m working on finding this

But I have to like myself first

My kind of love is instant and pure

and love shouldn’t feel like it’s rehearsed

 

I’m working on myself

before I meet you

In hopes that someday

Someone will love me, too

 

Love is patient, love is kind

It does not envy, it does not boast

The kind of love that’s in the Bible

Is what I want the most

(Monica's version)

When I was a newspaper reporter, I always wrote the 'Holidays and Grief' story each year. 

Every newspaper across the country does it. Back then, it was important to me to let people know that not everyone loves the holidays.

There are people grieving lost loved ones or lost marriages, and for those people, being surrounded by love and happiness and the holidays is a really painful time.

I am not grieving a lost loved one or a marriage, but that doesn't mean that I don't have grief in my life.

I haven't exactly made it a secret to anyone, but if you don’t know, here’s this: the past two or three years of my life have completely sucked. I keep waiting for a light at the end of the tunnel, maybe a little glimmer of hope somewhere, to let me know that everything will be all right in the end.

But right now, it feels like I'm stuck in a cycle of misery. If misery was a competition, I would win it in a land slide in my age category.

I deserve a trophy for all of the misery that I've gone through. 

Before I delve into this further, I want to say that I'm very aware that there are people in the world whose problems are worse than mine. I know there are people who lost family members to the pandemic. I know there are people going through cancer and other horrible diseases. 

So before anyone judges me too harshly on this not-so-rosey blog post, I want to point out that I think it's okay to not be okay.

Let me repeat that: It's all right if you're not all right.

---

The only thing I've done for the past few days is listen to the 10-minute version of Taylor Swift's All Too Well. 

I haven't done anything. I wake up, cry to that song, sit in my place in my pajamas all day, eat ice cream and wine for dinner, and cry and cry and cry to that song.

It took me a few days to watch the short film. The first few times I tried to get through it, I made it to the 5-minute mark, before I shut my laptop and stormed off and cried somewhere.

The line that got me: You're mad at me for something I don't even remember doing. 

That one hit a little too close to home for me. 

That happened to me.

---

I've read and I've heard a lot of people talking about their reactions to this song. Some people don't understand how such a short relationship can wreck you. Some think it's about revenge. 

Here are my thoughts, from what I experienced personally.

The kind of person she's singing about in that song is a person who is really hard to explain to people who haven't met someone like that before. 

They're charming. They're good looking. They tell you everything you want to hear at first, like how beautiful you are, how glad they are that they met you, how they like being around you. 

They build you up to tear you down.

I think the kind of person she's talking about in this song is a lot like the kind of person I had in my life once. That kind of person is lacking basic human emotions that most people have. Things like empathy, sympathy, compassion, embarrassment, and pretty much any other normal human emotion are completely missing from their personality.

They don't have any of it. 

I'm not a psychologist or a therapist, but my theory is that these people are born without it. Some people call that a psychopath, a sociopath, or a narcissist.

Here's what I call it: evil. 

I like how people assume that her ex is embarrassed right now because this song came out.

He's not. 

He doesn't give a shit.

---

The first crack in my relationship appeared less than a month into it. I knew it would end. I knew I should have walked away.

I didn't. 

When I finally asked him about it, the first crack, he said: "I don't even remember doing that to you."

One of my favorite comments I read about that specific line in the short film: "I didn't know gaslighting looked like that."

Neither did I.

---

---

I cried tonight thinking about this. It’s probably the most humiliating thing that's ever happened to me in a relationship.

I let him set the pace for everything. He wanted me to meet his parents first, then he met mine. I met his friends first, and then after some hesitation, he met mine (red flag I didn't catch at the time). 

He invited me to Thanksgiving with his family, and I went along with it.

We sat down to eat lunch on Thanksgiving day, surrounded by his family at the kitchen table. His nephews had drawn everyone placemats on paper, and they wrote a poem on his placemat for him. 

The poem had the word "love" in it. 

When my then-boyfriend read the poem out loud, he did not say the word "love." In front of his entire family, and in front of me, instead of saying the word "love," he laughed.

He shoved the paper off to the side, and no one said a word about it for the rest of the day.

Or ever.

I was there

I remember it all too well

---

I should have ended that relationship. He gave me 1,000 reasons to end it, and I stayed through it all. 

I wish I had known then what I know now.

I want to shout it from the rooftops to every man in the country right now: don’t take a girl home for Thanksgiving if you don't love her.

Don't give her hope that isn’t alive.

Let her spend the holidays with her family, where she's loved, wanted and appreciated, instead of her crying alone in your childhood bedroom afterwards.

What happened? You. That's what happened. You.

----

And you called me up again just to break me like a promise

So casually cruel in the name of being honest

I'm a crumbled up piece of paper laying here

Cause I remember it all 

They say all's well that ends well

But I'm in a new hell every time

You double cross my mind

You said if we had been closer in age, maybe it would have been fine

And that made me want to die

---

The thing that gets me about breakups? There aren't any consequences for bad behaviors, especially cheating.

Nothing bad happens to a guy when he cheats on a girl. Breaking up with a girl isn't a consequence, in my mind, because he just goes to the other girl to get what he wants.

That's what pisses me of the most about this guy. He humiliated me in front of his entire family, and he got away with it.

I know my life is better off without him in it, but it pisses me off that everyone in this story has a happy ending, except me.

The guy moved on, the girl he cheated with moved on. None of this even phased them, not even a little bit, not even at all.

I'm the only person that's still mentally scarred by this. 

That scar is not going to heal anytime soon. Maybe not ever.

---

So, Taylor Swift, thank you for releasing a 10-minute version of the world's best break up song, right when I needed to hear it.

When you're going through misery, I think it's pretty common to think that you're the only person in the world going through it.

And then every once in a while, you hear a song that changes everything. And maybe fixes you, a little bit, too.

---

 "All Too Well (10 Minute Version) (Taylor's Version)"

I walked through the door with you, the air was cold

But something 'bout it felt like home somehow

And I left my scarf there at your sister's house

And you've still got it in your drawer, even now

Oh, your sweet disposition and my wide-eyed gaze

We're singing in the car, getting lost upstate

Autumn leaves falling down like pieces into place

And I can picture it after all these days

And I know it's long gone and

That magic's not here no more

And I might be okay, but I'm not fine at all

Oh, oh, oh

'Cause there we are again on that little town street

You almost ran the red 'cause you were lookin' over at me

Wind in my hair, I was there

I remember it all too well

Photo album on the counter, your cheeks were turning red

You used to be a little kid with glasses in a twin-sized bed

And your mother's telling stories 'bout you on the tee-ball team

You taught me 'bout your past, thinking your future was me

And you were tossing me the car keys, "fuck the patriarchy"

Key chain on the ground, we were always skipping town

And I was thinking on the drive down, any time now

He's gonna say it's love, you never called it what it was

'Til we were dead and gone and buried

Check the pulse and come back swearing it's the same

After three months in the grave

And then you wondered where it went to as I reached for you

But all I felt was shame and you held my lifeless frame

And I know it's long gone and

There was nothing else I could do

And I forget about you long enough

To forget why I needed to

'Cause there we are again in the middle of the night

We're dancing 'round the kitchen in the refrigerator light

Down the stairs, I was there

I remember it all too well

And there we are again when nobody had to know

You kept me like a secret, but I kept you like an oath

Sacred prayer and we'd swear

To remember it all too well, yeah

Well, maybe we got lost in translation

Maybe I asked for too much

But maybe this thing was a masterpiece

'Til you tore it all up

Running scared, I was there

I remember it all too well

And you call me up again just to break me like a promise

So casually cruel in the name of being honest

I'm a crumpled up piece of paper lying here

'Cause I remember it all, all, all

They say all's well that ends well, but I'm in a new Hell

Every time you double-cross my mind

You said if we had been closer in age maybe it would have been fine

And that made me want to die

The idea you had of me, who was she?

A never-needy, ever-lovely jewel whose shine reflects on you

Not weeping in a party bathroom

Some actress asking me what happened, you

That's what happened, you

You who charmed my dad with self-effacing jokes

Sipping coffee like you're on a late-night show

But then he watched me watch the front door all night, willing you to come

And he said, "It's supposed to be fun turning twenty-one"

Time won't fly, it's like I'm paralyzed by it

I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still trying to find it

After plaid shirt days and nights when you made me your own

Now you mail back my things and I walk home alone

But you keep my old scarf from that very first week

'Cause it reminds you of innocence and it smells like me

You can't get rid of it

'Cause you remember it all too well, yeah

'Cause there we are again when I loved you so

Back before you lost the one real thing you've ever known

It was rare, I was there

I remember it all too well

Wind in my hair, you were there

You remember it all

Down the stairs, you were there

You remember it all

It was rare, I was there

I remember it all too well

And I was never good at telling jokes, but the punch line goes

"I'll get older, but your lovers stay my age"

From when your Brooklyn broke my skin and bones

I'm a soldier who's returning half her weight

And did the twin flame bruise paint you blue?

Just between us, did the love affair maim you, too?

'Cause in this city's barren cold

I still remember the first fall of snow

And how it glistened as it fell

I remember it all too well

Just between us, did the love affair maim you all too well?

Just between us, do you remember it all too well?

Just between us, I remember it (Just between us), all too well

Wind in my hair, I was there, I was there

Down the stairs, I was there, I was there

Sacred prayer, I was there, I was there

It was rare, you remember it all too well

Wind in my hair, I was there, I was there

Down the stairs, I was there, I was there

Sacred prayer, I was there, I was there

It was rare, you remember it

Wind in my hair, I was there, I was there

Down the stairs, I was there, I was there

Sacred prayer, I was there, I was there

It was rare, you remember it

Wind in my hair, I was there, I was there

Down the stairs, I was there, I was there

Sacred prayer, I was there, I was there

It was rare, you remember it

--

This blog post is what happens at 2 a.m. the same week you find out that you're having surgery over Christmas break for a non-life threatening, but very life irritating problem. 

Let me have my moment of misery. 

I'll get better. Eventually.

Top 10 List

I am getting dangerously close to 50,000 blog views on thishereblog.

I'm pretty excited about that. I remember when I was excited to hit 6,000 views. Also, most of them are probably my parents (hi Mom and Dad!). 

I thought I'd walk you through a little history of thishereblog first, before we delve into what really matters here, which is music.

First off: My most read blog post ever, of all time, is a story about how Eric Church stole my sharpie. 

That makes me laugh so hard, you have no idea. :) 

I have blog views from 29 states and 11 countries. I don't know anyone from out of the country, but if you're reading, this, hi! Welcome to my little piece of Kansas.

---

I started this blog when I switched from working in journalism to working in marketing and public relations. As a newspaper reporter, you write all day, every day. 

In marketing and public relations, you don't write as much. Maybe you write something twice a week, or twice a month. 

The idea behind starting my blog was to keep up writing personally, that way I would never lose it professionally. But the thing is, guys, I will never lose it professionally (or personally). It's something I've always done and will continue to do for the rest of my days.

---

This is a post I've been pretty excited to write about. 

My Dad and I talk about this pretty often. We throw around songs and try to name our top five favorite songs of all time, from any artist, ever.

I'm going to name my top 10 songs for this blog post, and then go into other people's Top 10 list in another blog post. 

I also enjoy getting to know everyone's pissed off song. (Mine is Misery by Soul Asylum. My brother's is Leave me Alone by Hopsin.) So feel free to throw me your favorite pissed off song my way if you read this.

---

Here are my top 10 favorite songs, in order. I'll include a brief explanation of why each song is on the list. 

1. Sweet Emotion - Aerosmith

The year was 1998, and the Armageddon movie, and its soundtrack, came out. My middle school friends and I loved the movie, and we bought the soundtrack on CD. I remember who was there that day, where we were, and the color of the walls when I first heard this song on that soundtrack.

The moment I heard this song is the moment I fell in love with music. My Dad has a really funny and embarrassing story about how I came home from that friend's house and told him about this new band I just heard. 

That new band? 

"It's this new band, Dad, called Aerosmith!"

I was 12, guys. I didn't know any better. 

My life hasn't been the same since. 

---

2. Love Without End, Amen

I don't know about the whole marriage thing, but if I ever find someone willing to put up with me forever, this would be my Dad-daughter dance song. 

It will likely never happen, but I still hold a little bit of hope that it might.

A tiny bit of hope. It's microscopic, but it's there. And it's my favorite George Strait song ever.

Daddies don't just love their children every now and then. It's a love without end, Amen.

---

3. Record Year - Eric Church

This is the song that first got me hooked on Eric Church's music. I've written about it plenty before, but when I figured out that this song is a break up song, it changed my life. 

It saved my life. 

As with a lot of his music, this song found me after a break up. I could give you the details, but in the end, how and why the relationship ended doesn't really matter. (For the record, he married the girl he cheated on me with.)

She got a husband who will probably cheat again. 

I got Eric Church.

I win. 

Front row in Denver. My heart is full.

---

4. Carry On My Wayward Son

My nickname in college was Kansas for a summer. Every time I hear this song, I'm 22 years old again. I'm singing this song at a karaoke bar, I'm drunk, I'm not sure where my cell phone or purse is, but I'm singing this song surrounded by my buddies and I really don't care about anything else in life.

Because the Kansas girl is singing Kansas. 

Don't you cry no more.

---

5. Along Came You - John McCutcheon

I went to college in a little town in Kansas called Winfield, which has a pretty big bluegrass festival. I'd never listened to bluegrass music before, but my Dad came to town and took a friend and I to this festival while I lived there.

Along Came You has been my favorite love song since. 

Along came you, just when I thought my whole life was through. Never believed there was more than I knew, then along came you. 

---

6. Some of It - Eric Church

This shouldn't surprise anyone, but I have another break up story involving Eric Church's music. Shocking, right?

The guy I was dating had been talking to his ex-girlfriend from years earlier, and was planning to meet up with her. I begged him not to and to stop talking to her. (It turns out that if you have to beg your boyfriend not to cheat on you, he's probably not marriage material.)

"She just wants a shoulder to cry on," he told me.

Yeah, buddy, that's not what she wants to cry on.

I got pissed off one night and left his place, for the last time. Before I left, I stood in his living room for a few minutes to see if he would get up and try to stop me from leaving.

He didn't.

There's a feeling you have when you leave someone for the final time. I looked around his place, at his very nice things, thought of his very nice and new truck, and I thought to myself: I can't believe I will never see any of this again.

I went out to my car and turned the ignition on.

Eric Church's beautiful voice sang to me: "What really makes you a man, is being true to her 'til your glass runs out of sand."

It's funny how music finds you when you need it most. 

---

7. Mississippi Queen - Mountain

I found this song because it's one of my Dad's favorite songs. I don't think I need to explain it, but everything about this song is perfect and beautiful.

---

8. Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen

I don't think I need to explain this one to anyone. My favorite text message to send to people when we're talking about stormy weather: Thunder bolts and lightning, very very frightening.

:)

---

9. Where the Green Grass Grows - Tim McGraw

I always played this song in my car when I came home from college. When I hit my home county, when I saw that Ford County sign, I always played this song.

For a while, I lived in a concrete jungle. I hated it and was always excited to come home, where the green grass grows.

I've kind of made a career going to little towns instead of big, sexy cities. That's not surprising, given my love for this song. 

Watch my corn pop up in rows

Spend every night tucked in close to you

---

10. This Cowboy's Hat - Chris LeDoux

I loved Chris LeDoux when I was little. In 1991, when Western Underground came out, I had the cassette tape of it. I played it over and over in my little tape recorder (it was brown and tan, and had a handle on it. It looked like a purse). 

The thing is, though, I was six years old. I didn't know how to flip the tape over to listen to the other side. I asked my older brother to do it, and he never helped me flip the tape over.

He didn't do it one single time. Jerk.

I couldn't figure out how to flip the tape over (I was six!), so I just pressed the rewind button and listened to the same five songs over and over. 

To this day, I still don't listen to the last five songs on Western Underground, because those songs don't mean anything to me.

The first five songs, though? Those songs are my entire childhood. 

Now if your leather jacket means to you what this hat means to me

Then I guess we understand each other, and we'll just let it be

But if you still think it's funny, man you got my back up against the wall

And if you touch my hat, you're gonna have to fight us all.

I cried over an email about potatoes.

For the last three days, I've avoided my laptop.

In my last blog post, I promised that I would write about potatoes and Chris LeDoux. I'm not one to break a promise, so this blog post is me keeping my word.

This is going to be a hard one to write. Yes, it's about potatoes, but oftentimes in life, there's more to it than that.

This happened a while back. When I think about it, I cry.

I've cried every day for three days thinking about this.

We were talking at work today about being vulnerable. I am not a vulnerable person, and I put up so many walls that are made of concrete, that it's ridiculous.

But if people around me can be vulnerable, and if they can talk about hurt and pain, then maybe I can, too.

---

I've been in relationships. I've spent holidays with men, both with my family and their family. I've gotten to know their families, their friends, their hopes for the future, and their pasts. 

A few years ago, I thought I had found the one. I was pretty sure that he was ring shopping and that he was going to get down on one knee.

He didn't. 

At the time this story happened, I didn't know that. I wish I knew then what I know now, but life is cruel and doesn't work like that.

All I knew then was that there a beautiful man that I was very much in love with beside me. I was so happy that it hurt. 

Let’s start at the beginning.

—-

A few years ago, I met a guy. Our second date was a concert, and we went to the bar afterward. We had a corner table on the patio, underneath the stars on a beautiful night, and as he started to drink, his personality started coming out more.

He was nervous at the concert. But at the bar afterward, I fell absolutely head over heals in love with him. Full disclosure here: I fall hard, and I fall fast. I wear my heart on my sleeve. 

I fell for that man that night, in an instant. In a heartbeat. 

We shut the bar down that night, and from then on, I was absolutely hooked on him. He became a drug that I couldn't get enough of. 

That concert date happened over the summer. There was another concert date in one of my favorite cities. There were more bars, more dates, more alcohol, there was listening to music and late night conversations that I'll never forget.

He didn’t stick around.

But before he left, this story happened. And it's honestly what pisses me off most about this relationship.

---

The holidays were approaching, and we (which pretty much means I) decided to spend Thanksgiving with his family and Christmas with my family.

My favorite day of the year is Christmas Eve. I love that day with all my heart, and every time I date a guy around Christmastime, I get really excited that I get to share that day with someone.

I do the same thing on Christmas Eve every year. I go to church with my parents, drive around and look at the luminaries in town, and then I go home and make potatoes for my family's Christmas gathering the next day.

I don't mean to brag, but I can make a pretty mean potato dish. Whether it be scalloped or mashed, my family always looks forward to my potatoes. And there's never any left for me to take home, because that dish is always finished on Christmas day.

Potatoes are my thing.

That particular year, after church, my then-boyfriend and I went back to my house. I went into my kitchen, pulled out my potatoes, and started getting them ready.

My then-boyfriend came into the kitchen and asked me what I was doing. I told him about my potato tradition, and then he asked me if I was going to peel my potatoes.

Guys, I am the laziest person alive. I love potatoes, but I do not have the patience to stand there and peel every single one. I don't care if my family makes fun of me for my "dirty" potatoes that have the skins on them. 

I am way too lazy to peel five to seven pounds of potatoes.

My then-boyfriend asked me if I had a potato peeler. I said yes, opened the drawer to show him, and then he took it out of the drawer.

That man, that beautiful man, stood in my kitchen that night, and he peeled every single potato I had. 

I always buy a five-pound bag, plus a few more, just in case some are bad, or in case I mess something up and need more at the last minute.

I remember it took him a long time to peel them. We put them in the sink with water afterward, and I remember that he took the time to show me each potato to prove to me that there were no skins on them.

That man peeled my potatoes perfectly that night. 

Which, as I think about it, is a really, really intimate thing to do with a girl. No man I've dated had ever shown me that much intimacy as he did that night.

Yes, I'm literally talking about potatoes here. 

We stood in my kitchen for an hour, maybe more, listening to music, laughing, drinking and talking.

He told me that he liked peeling my potatoes, that he liked being with me in that moment, and that he liked doing things like this with me.

I thought he had a ring in his pocket that night.

Our relationship was over three days after Christmas. 

To this day, I can't get over the fact that he stood in my kitchen, peeled my potatoes for an hour, drank wine with me, and then decided he didn't want me.

If the story he sold me was true, his ex-girlfriend came back to Kansas for Christmas. I couldn't compete with her, and it was over, just like that.

Until that night, no one had ever peeled my potatoes for me. No one has since that night. 

He peeled my potatoes, and then he decided to go peel someone else's potatoes. I can't even describe how painful that is to me, still, to this day.

---

I got an email the other day from the U.S. Potato Board, which isn't that shocking, as I worked in agriculture for almost 10 years. When I got that email, I cried.

I cried over an email about potatoes.

Maybe one day I'll write a story about man who peels potatoes better than he did that night. As of right now, this is where the story ends.

If you have someone in your life who shows you that level of intimacy, please, for my sake, be grateful for it. Don’t take it for granted.

Cheating pants

Picture this: Aunt Monica is in the front yard, playing with three little girls.

I'm drawing with sidewalk chalk, calm and peacefully, when my favorite little redhead, who is 6 years old, comes up with an idea.

She's in the mood to run, and she knows she can outrun her sisters. So, basically, my favorite redhead is in the mood to win.

She attempts to line her sisters up by my car, which is parked in the street. Only, her sisters aren't having it and keep doing sisterly things, like not paying attention to the race.

It's kind of like herding cats.

Finally, they all three line up, and the two other sisters start running well before I say the word 'ready' in the phrase, 'Ready? Set? Go!'

So, two little girls are running their hearts out, and get to me, where I'm sitting on the front porch. The little redhead never moved from my car, maybe 30 feet away, and now she's very angry and upset.

My favorite redhead spits out the most sour insult that she can think of in her little brain. She says: "You guys are cheating cheater heads and you have your cheating pants on today!"

Just then, a neighbor walks past with his dogs, gives me a look, and starts laughing. (In little redhead's defense, her sisters were totally being cheating cheater heads.)

I'm going to keep that insult and lock it away until a day that I can use it. If and when there comes a day that the little redhead (or her sisters) grows up and gets cheated on in a relationship, I'm going to take her some ice cream and a bottle of wine.*

I'm going to tell her that the guy is a cheating cheater head who had his cheating pants on that day. I will tell her that eventually, she will find a guy who wears adult pants and not cheating pants.

I'm looking forward to that day, not because her heart will be broken, but because I know how to help it.

--

*If she's old enough. If she's not, then it will be sparkling grape juice.

Also, the kids had me draw them with sidewalk chalk, and then they all started sitting on each other's sidewalk chalk character. The 'My butt is on your face!' comments were out of this world.

Love's worth living for.

I've been thinking about publishing a list of top moments from the past year and the past decade, which is something you do in the newspaper world.

This blog post is an attempt to do that. Please note that it's not all sunshine and roses. I believe in taking in the good and taking in the bad, and maybe learning from it in the future.

With that out of the way, the decade's top moment for me has to be attending a concert in downtown Nashville, Tennessee, and being front row for one of my favorite songs, Some Of It. (Please see the video I took above.)

I'll remember that moment for the rest of my life, especially the very southern guy who tapped on the shoulder after.

"Ma'am," he said. "It just don't get no better n'that."

I'll never forget the freedom and happiness I felt in Tennessee on that trip. The only thing I wanted at the time was someone beside me, but in that moment, in downtown Nashville under the stars surrounded by 56,000 people, I was perfect and whole and happy and content all by myself.

It's probably not a coincidence that my favorite moments over the past year, and the past decade, are from concerts and music.

I'll never forget hearing "Record Year" for the first time in Wichita. That was the song that I listened to after a relationship that I was in ended. I played that song over and over in my new house, and sang it at the top of my lungs to try to forget about him.

That song saved me.

Fast forward a few years and boyfriends later, and at the end of 2018 when life didn't turn out like I wanted it to, I decided that all I wanted in 2019 was to attend as many concerts as I could.

This year started out with two concerts in Omaha, one of which I missed the encore because watching people make out in front of me caused me to toss my cookies.

Life sucks sometimes.

Also, I love that memory now. There's probably a correlation between telling the wrong person "I love you" and then violently vomiting everywhere afterward.

Oops.

(I'd like to think that the universe, or God, or whoever or whatever, was punishing me in that moment. Like, really? That's the guy you picked? Here are your consequence for making a bad decision, you dumbass.)

(And, driving through a winter storm only to get sick in a hotel room by yourself is pretty romantic, let me tell you.)

I'm not sure what to say about that, only that I'll try to pick a better love interest next time.

Let's also not forget the Hanson concert I went to with my person, which prompted some seriously good quotes.

"I just paid for you to look at Taylor Hanson for two hours."

My response: "Money well spent."

---

Here's the Debbie Downer part.

There's also something to be said about being cheated on, which happened to me twice this decade.

Random bits of dating...advice? Lessons? Whatever word you use, here's what I've learned from men from the past decade:

• Being cheated on for a second time is a lot less devastating than the first time.

• Mean people aren't necessarily liars and liars aren't necessarily mean. I'm not sure which one is worse, though. Probably liars. (Dating life is hard sometimes.)

• I'll never forget walking into my AirBnB on my Nashville trip. I turned a fan on, and when I realized that no one was going to yell at me for it, the heavens opened up and the choir started to sing. At that moment I thought, OH MY GOD I LOVE BEING ALONE.

• A week after being dumped for the first time in 2018, I went to an Eric Church concert in Oklahoma. (I got his autograph during Springsteen!) That has to be my next favorite memory, aside from the Nashville show. That was the universe telling me that if you're brave enough to say goodbye, life with greet you with another hello. Also, me writing about Eric Church stealing my sharpie is one of my top read blog posts of all time.

• One of my best friends told me something when I was whining to her a while back. I was talking about guys who marry the person they cheated on you with, or guys who leave you for someone they ultimately don't end up with. Her response: "Eventually, it doesn't matter."

---

So that's my year and my decade in a nutshell.

There was good times and bad times, laughs around a fire, a tour of the Jack Daniel's Distillery and card games and more laughs.

There was music surrounded by friends and family, and there was music alone. There was music downtown with a love interest and music downtown by myself.

The music downtown by myself was better, I might add.

I'm going to end thishereblogpost, probably my last blog post of this decade, with my favorite quote from my favorite book, The Five People You Meet in Heaven.

"It might seem strange to start a story with an ending. But all endings are also beginnings. You just don't know it at the time."

--

Some Of It - Nashville, Tennessee
May 25, 2019

Some Of It
Eric Church

Beer don't keep
Love's not cheap
And trucks don't wreck themselves
Mama ain't a shrink
Daddy ain't a bank
And God ain't a wishin' well
Money ain't rich
Everybody sins
And nobody wins in a fight
And sometimes wrong gets right

Some of it you learn the hard way
Some of it you read on a page
Some of it comes from heartbreak
Most of it comes with age
And none of it ever comes easy
A bunch of it you maybe can't use
I know I don't probably know what I think I do
But there's somethin' to
Some of it

Girls like to laugh
Tears don't last
And scared's what praying's for
If it's close, swing the bat
Everybody's gotta past
And love's worth living for
When you dance, hold her close
'Til it breaks, go for broke
Be the first to reach for her hand
No you don't get to do some things again

Some of it you learn the hard way
Some of it you read on a page
Some of it comes from heartbreak
Most of it comes with age
And none of it ever comes easy
A bunch of it you maybe can't use
I know I don't probably know what I think I do
But there's somethin' to
Some of it

When you can't take it slow
'Cause time sure won't
What really makes you a man
Is being true to her 'til your glass runs out of sand

Some of it you learn the hard way
Some of it you read on a page
Some of it comes from heartbreak
Most of it comes with age
And none of it ever comes easy
A bunch of it you maybe can't use
I know I don't probably know what I think I do
But there's somethin' to
Some of it
Some of it

The fed up don't give a damn.

I'm a pretty big believer that everything happens for reason.

Right now, though, I'm failing to see a reason why things are happening.

I noticed the other day that I felt weird. Fall is one my favorite seasons, but something has been off this year.

This is the first fall in a while that I haven't been dating anybody.

There are pros and cons to this. When I had to change a light bulb by myself for the first time in a couple of years, I got irrationally angry.

I pulled the ladder out, dropped it, it scraped against the wall and left a mark, and my poor Pugs went running for the hills. They were terrified.

Before, all I had to do was hand a light bulb to the guy standing beside me, and that was the extent of me changing a light bulb.

I went to the chiropractor earlier this week, and she asked about my holiday plans. Are you going to bicker with anyone on how to split your time this year?

I told her that this year, I don't have to do that.

Oh, she said. Oh.

OH.

And then I realized that I'm pretty lucky.

This year on the holidays, I don't have to spend time getting to know people who will disappear from my life shortly after. I don't have to buy extra gifts, I don't have to get to know new people, and I don't have to be on my best behavior.

There are things I miss about being in a relationship, but there are more things that I do not miss.

I do not miss being told that an ex-girlfriend is proud of my boyfriend's new relationship with me. (Thank God I had the ex-girlfriend's approval. I'm not sure how I would live without that.)

I do not miss being told the details of why the ex-girlfriend's ex-boyfriend didn't marry her when he was supposed to. ( I could be at my house playing with my Pugs, and instead we're here discussing your ex-girlfriend imaginary wedding?)

My nieces sometimes bring up relationships to me. They remember the last one and still ask about him.

I tell the little girls that he's a mean butthead. I tell them they aren't ever going to see him again. I tell the girls that the guy they're asking about, the one who played on playgrounds with them, is gone forever. He got lost. He is lost.

Then their 5-year-old logic kicks in.

"If he's lost, why don't we go find him? Let's go drive around. I'll get your keys."

Ha, ha, girls. It's not that easy. He's going to stay lost forever.

"Well, Aunt Monica, what about that other one?"

Ha, ha.

---

I wish this post had a point, but it doesn't. (Maybe the point is that this is my blog and I can whine if I want to.)

I'm sure this is all happening for a reason and I'm sure there's a bigger meaning to life out there, somewhere. Maybe on the other side of the world, even.

I wish there was a reason these relationships happened in the first place. I wish I learned an important life lesson from their demise.

But I didn't. There are no reasons and there are no life lessons to be had, here.

Right now, I'm pissed off that I have to change my own light bulbs and go to coffee shops by myself.

And at this point in my life, I think being mad about those things is perfectly all right.

--

Song of the moment:

The fed up don't give a damn
Bartender, if you're with me
Pour some whiskey on this drowning man

Don't tell me about no beach
No, I don't want to hear about your mountain
How the good life is a peach
You drink your sunsets from a fountain
No, I don't want to think about it
Save your breath, I don't want to hear about it

*I didn't have a picture to use for this post, but I had one of Nashville on my computer that I took back in May. So, Nashville it is.

Better

My brother made a comment the other day that it's been a year since he put his old dog to sleep.

I made a mental note of the date in my head, and said to myself that yes, that sounded about right.

A year ago, I was in a relationship. I got dumped shortly thereafter. (If you're keeping track, I got dumped again in December. Being dumped twice in one year is pretty awesome, let me tell you.)

I started thinking back to one year ago. I had no idea that anything that's happened over the past year of my life would even be possible.

I spent a couple of days being sad, then I decided to go to a concert in Oklahoma, by myself. You might remember those blog posts I wrote, including the one about a certain singer stealing my Sharpie.

Ha, ha.

I got dumped and then went to an Eric Church concert, managed to be in the front row, and then got his autograph.

Um, that was amazing.

Can I get dumped more often? Because what happened after that dumping was probably the best thing that's ever happened to me.

I spent more time with my family. The biggest regret I have is that I spent so much time with a family that wasn't mine and that I ended up losing.

At that concert, I was already talking to that dumper's replacement. Although that replacement didn't last, that was the most fun I've ever had in a relationship. During the mostly happy times with him, we traveled, we drank, I yelled at him for watching Fox News, we went to museums, shut down bars and listened to music as loud as we could.

That's my kind of relationship.

I'd also like to take credit for that guy voting for the first time, ever. (His other girlfriend might have been encouraging it, as well. I'll never know, but I'd like to think I'm the reason.)

Several people have asked me recently where I see myself in a year, five years, and 10 years.

I have no idea how to answer that, because I have no idea what's in store for my life.

A year ago, I thought my world ended. I had no idea that I would own a new car or travel to Tennessee by myself (and love every single second of it).

I think being in bad relationships makes you stronger. I heard a saying the other day, something like: "It doesn't matter if you give your all to the wrong person. It still won't be enough."

I've only learned over the past year (years, actually) that hating the other woman won't bring a guy back. It's just wasted energy*. I've also learned that being where you aren't wanted is the worst feeling in the world.

There will be others in the future, I'm sure. Eventually, I'll replace the replacement that didn't work out. I will smile, listen to loud music at 2 a.m., probably drink a little bit, go to the drive-in just to cuddle, and then start the process all over again.

When the time comes to talk about past relationships with that person, I'll mention it briefly, gloss over the details, and then close that topic permanently.

Because the next one deserves better.

--

*Energy story: My brilliant and beautiful 3-year-old niece asked me why the energy goes out every night. If we just call the energy people, the lights would stay on and we wouldn't have to go to bed at night.

She wins at life.

:)

Sustenance

I've had a leaf sitting on my dresser next to my jewelry box for more than half a year now.

I went on a trip to the eastern part of the state last year and grabbed a few leaves. It was in the fall and the leaves were huge, colorful, and unlike anything I had seen around here.

They were beautiful. I used one as a bookmark for a while. Most of the leaves fell apart and I threw them away, but I've kept one leaf, completely in tact and gorgeous, sitting on my dresser.

I went on that fall trip with someone who has since fired me from his life. 

I looked at that leaf every day and wondered what to do with it. It was too beautiful to throw away, yet I didn't want to keep looking at it throughout the day.

It took me a long time to decide to get rid of that leaf.

I thought about it and thought about it.

Something has to come out of that bad relationship, right? I need it to mean something. I need to learn a life lesson so I won't make the same mistake again.

Only, I can't think of a single life lesson I learned from it. It was fun until it wasn't and then it was over. 

That's it. Nothing more, nothing less.

I took the leaf out of my house and out to my garden about a week ago. I crumbled it up into a tiny million pieces. I scattered it all around, even in my compost pile.

I felt good about it. There was no crying and no regrets. I made the right choice to get rid of the leaf.

I will work in my garden tonight, more than likely, to make sure something comes out of those million little pieces. From those pieces I will grow tomatoes, lettuce, kohlrabi, cabbage and onions.

Those million little pieces will eventually turn into canned items that will fill my kitchen in the fall and winter months. That means those little pieces of my past will turn into sustenance for the future.

I no longer look at that leaf every day. I don't feel like I need it in my life, and I'm fine with those million little pieces being outside, in the dirt, wind, rain and hail. 

Maybe I did learn something from that relationship. Maybe there are some things that don't deserve to take up space in your house.

(And now I'm crying.)

quotable

I found this comment on Reddit and liked it enough to save it.

"It definitely takes courage for a woman to admit that her husband cheated on her. I have watched friends walk through this privately, and it was very difficult for them to keep it to themselves and just hide the pain. There is a freedom that comes from being able to talk about it. Then the healing starts to happen."

I just got back from Hell

I just got back from Hell

Gary Allan

I just got back from Hell
And I'm standing here alive
I know it's really hard to tell
Don't know how I survived
But I can't say that I'm doin' great
But I think I'm doin' well
That Devil's gonna have to wait
'Cause I just got back from Hell

Well, I just got back from Hell
And I guess to tell the truth
Well, I've been mad at everyone, including God and you
When you can't find no one to blame you just blame yourself
And I know I'll never be the same
I just got back from Hell

Forgive me if I had any part
If I ever broke your heart in two
Forgive me for what I didn't know
For what I didn't say or do
And, God, forgive me as well
'Cause I just got back from Hell

Well, I just got back from Hell
And I need to make some plans
It's the last thing that I wanna do
But I'll do the best I can
I'm gonna learn to live again
But I think I'll sit a spell
Tell the world that I'm alive
And I just got back from Hell

I can't say that I'm doin' great
But I think I'm gettn' well
Gonna let the world know I'm alive
And I just got back from Hell
And I just got back from Hell
I just got back from Hell
Got back from Hell

---

If I had to describe the Gary Allan concert in one word, I would call it excellent.

I wish I could describe it to people who weren't there. There are no words to explain it, though. 

You can tell when someone loves what they do and enjoys doing it. 

If a little show in nowhere Kansas can be this great, I wonder what living in Nashville must be like. 

There are no words. 

Just, wow. 

---

The thing that makes me even more excited is that we've got Church coming up in a couple of weeks. 

In the words of EC himself: "The only way I've ever fixed anything in me that's been broken in me is with music."

I know what broken feels like. My broken doesn't look like other people's broken, and for that I'm thankful. Throughout my broken, I've maintained my job, my family, my friends, my dogs and kept my house. 

But broken is broken and music helps. 

Guys, life downright sucks sometimes.

But music helps.

Other than Pugfest, I do believe that concerts are the happiest place on Earth.