Those I’ve Loved

There’s a song that always hits me in the emotions at concerts and as soon as I hear the fair few chords, I know the tears are going to come soon.

That song is Those I’ve Loved. 

The song has the word ‘Denver’ in it, so I expect to hear it  Colorado. I was not emotionally prepared to hear it in St. Louis. It punched me in the gut.

The song goes ‘I wouldn’t be who I am today if not for those I’ve loved along the way.’

At the concert, I started bawling. I don’t cry much anymore, if not ever. For the past couple of years, I’ e struggled so much with anxiety, depression and PTSD and the crying factory has closed since then.

On Saturday night, I thought about the guy who I thought was going to propose on Christmas Eve one year. We danced and cooked in my kitchen and drank wine and I thought buddy, this moment is perfect and you are perfect and I hope that ring in your pocket is perfect, too.

We broke up two days later.

I thought about the guy who married the girl he cheated on me with. And then I thought about the guy whose family was fantastic but we just weren’t right for each other.

Part of the song: “I don’t regret the day that she became one of those I’ve loved along the way.”

And now I’m crying. 

When I hear that song I think about people I’ve fought with and fired from my life. I think about my family, people who used to be friends and a ton of other people too.

I didn’t even try to wipe the tears away at the concert. Emotions are weird and the sad ones have a way of showing up during happy ones sometimes. 

So one February night in St. Louis, I just let the tears fall. Getting emotions out, finally, is healthy. 

I think. 

The song: “She was my best friend, and it broke my heart the day that she became one of those I’ve loved along the way.”

I’m going to go cry now. 

Chiefy.

I haven’t posted on this here blog for a long time.

One day I might tell that story. Until then, I want to talk about my boy dog, Chief, aka Chiefy, aka Chiefo or sometimes butthole or sometimes something worse.

I’ve had Chiefy almost two years. It is not an understatement to say that he is the boy Pug of my dreams. 

He’s a good man, a handsome man, a good kisser and a good listener. He likes belly rubs, supper time, bones and chewies, his toy cupcakes and he has a special toy monkey that he humps every night before bed.

Weird? Yeah. But you get used to a Pug humping his monkey eventually. 

After I lost Penny I wasn’t sure if I would survive without her. I never imagined life without her. And then I met Chief, our souls vibed and he walked into my life 1.5 weeks after I put my soul dog down.

My favorite thing about him is what he did for his older sister Pickles. Chief taught Pickles how to be a Pug. He taught her how to dog.

For the first six months Pickles ignored her brother and pretended like he didn’t exist. But she watched everything he did and mimicked his behavior.

Chief is on the couch? Pickles is on the couch. Chief got into something he shouldn’t have? Pickles is there beside him.

Chief barks? Pickles barks.

For most of Pickles’ life, she was raised in my home, which was kind of like a senior citizen retirement home for Pugs. Pickles hung out with her two besties, and they didn’t do a whole lot in their elder years. 

Pickles grieved Penny hard. It was heartbreaking to see.

But then a giant monkey-humping boy walked into our lives.

Chief fixed his sister’s broken heart. Mine, too. 

Thanks for adopting us buddy. We love our big linebacker boy. 😍

Life lately.

January 2026 was exactly 732 days long. I had surgery, was scared out of my mind for it, and then spent a couple of weeks only able to use one hand. 

And then came a sweet reprieve - a new month for a new start and new beginnings.

On the first day of February, I heard a sound. What the hell?

I took the photo below from my balcony, after I watched the driver crawl out of the car window and walk away barefoot.

My neighbor cut her seatbelt with scissors I tossed down to him. My neighbor also asked me for paper towels, but I don’t buy those so I tossed him a roll of toilet paper. 

Also, I called 911 right away.

Happy February to you and yours from me and mine. Life is a lot like a box of chocolates and sometimes you look out your window to a luxury car upside down. 

Car playlist

If you can’t go from Shaggy to Chris LeDoux, get out of my car.

Simply having a wonderful Christmas time (in February)

I want to take a moment and talk about a trip that I took to Tulsa in December to see my favorite band of all time.

First, I should point that I always give myself a Christmas present every year. Once upon a time a few years ago, I dated a guy who gave his mom a Christmas present but not me.

(I know how to pick them.)

Since then, I decided to stop expecting 'me' from other people and to just buy myself whatever I want for Christmas. 

So in December, I went to two Hanson concerts at Cain's Ballroom in Tulsa. They were both Christmas shows, which was different. I was expecting some regular music thrown in there, but they kept to the script and only played Christmas music.

It was fantastic. 

On Friday night I had to work late, and I left town super late, and when I was driving to Tulsa I thought about just skipping the first concert and going to bed. 

I didn't though. I parked in downtown Tulsa, walked a couple blocks, showed one security guard my ticket, walked in the building and BAM - there's Hanson!

Guys, there's a hill that I'll die on in life. Bands perform better in their hometown. 

For Hanson, that's Tulsa. Which is sweet, because that's just down the road from me in Kansas. You will never see a better show than Hanson at Cain's. It's the best thing on planet Earth. 

On Friday night, I missed about half of the concert. I'd like to point out that I'm an OG Fanson (original fan) and there was a time when I used to go hours early to stand in the pit line for a good spot. 

Twenty years ago, I would not have missed a Hanson concert if my life depended on it. Well, it turns out we're all 20 years older and sometimes you have to keep a roof over your head. 

Whatevs. 

On Friday night I was honestly glad to be in the same room as them. That's all I really want from concerts. I don't need front row anymore and I don't need meet and greets. 

I consider myself blessed to be in the same room as the people singing to me. 

Anyway, I can't describe how fantastic they were. They absolutely killed it in a way that I cannot describe in words. 

Boys, I'll come back to Tulsa whenever you'll have me.

--

On Saturday, I fan girled a little harder and waited in line before the show started. The comments the women were making around me were hilarious. 

Please remember that we all became huge fans of his band when we were 13 years old. 

The comments: "Guys, we've been doing this at the same venue for 25 years."

"Does anyone have Tylenol?"

"How long will they play? What time can we go to bed tonight?"

:)

I'm not going to lie here, I'm really only there to see Taylor. My Christmas present to myself was to gawk at Taylor Hanson for two nights in a row. 

But what I wasn't expecting was for Isaac to steal the show. 

Maybe I just have a thing for guitar players now. He was absolutely incredible and made his brothers look like that one dish at Christmas dinner that no one likes, puts on their plate out of politeness, and then doesn't eat and throws out later. 

Team Isaac!

--

On Saturday I drove around downtown Tulsa because I had some time to kill. Zach Bryan was at the BOK Center downtown, and when I realized what was happening I started laughing my ass off.

There were dozens of police cars around the BOK Center. There were police out directing traffic and multiple streets were blocked off.

It was a very big deal. 

For a guy who looks like a toad, cheats on everyone he dates and mailed his then-wife divorce papers when she was deployed? Like, really? This toad still has enough fans to fill the BOK Center?

Everything I've learned about ZB I've learned against my will. That diss track is a bop, though, and I know every single word. (Whose idea was it to give this oompa loompa a guitar? AND There's something in the orange and it's you behind these bars.)

Picture all of that security and police presence for ZB compared to Hanson. 

Hanson had one security guard taking tickets. Their sisters sold merchandise after the show. (I bought a poster and a pop socket.) 

Taylor Hanson bought and drives his own tour bus. 

My boys are a little more down to earth than ZB, and I love them for it. 

--

I'm not and never will be a Tulsa girlie. I will love and favor Oklahoma City for as long as my heart beats. 

However, Tulsa is beautiful in December. 

What a cool town. What an amazing band. 

My middle school self had excellent taste in music and nothing has changed since then.

:)

--

Ps, I just did the math. I've loved this band for 27 years. 

:)

Quotes :)

 Random quotes from the past few months of my life:

Overheard in the office: "I feel like I know Chief."

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Mom in a craft store: "We're going to go. Goodbye forever."

7-year-old girl who didn't want to leave said store: "Take care."

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"I hate it when I lose a bet and I have to buy someone else lunch."

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Overheard in the Target parking lot: "I sent an email but nobody read it." 

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Mom to her 2-year-old in Target: "If you want to buy everything then you need to get a job first." 

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A note I found in the notes app on my phone with my context: "Things that bother me - Walmart salads." 

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"Please don't use headless fat people."

Context: B-roll that TV stations use. 

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"Isn't it delightful we live in such a dishonest world?"

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"Masks are coming off faster than bras at the 505."

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"Fight for what you care about, and do it in a way where others will join you." 

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"History has its eyes on."

- 

"There's no reconciliation without reckoning." 

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"You're not what I thought you'd look like. You're cuter."

Context: Veterinarian office talking to a dog. 

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"He's going to meet you in front. Apparently he's wild and crazy." 

Veterinary secretary: "The dog?"

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Fight for your happily every after.

Context: Quote on my phone with no context given.

-

"I told her to close the tab, unless you want to pay for 10 Amaretto Sours."

Context: Texting my dad in a bar after an Eric Church concert because he couldn't hear me in the bar because it was so loud.

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"I want to pull out all of my little grey hairs."

Context: Dad quote.

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"I want to reverse your face."

Context: 10-year-old niece playing Uno. 

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"People support what they create."

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"Notice I said involved and not cares. There are factions that are involved but don't care."

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"Never ask for a large amount of money unless you know their dog's name." 

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"I got the joy of rediscovering me."

“Hi Chief. I like your eyeshadow. Nice wing."

 The first day of Pugfest is something that I will remember for the rest of my life. 

A few hilarious things happened, but I’m going to start with my favorite first. The first afternoon, which was on a Saturday, a group of pre-teen girls came to the booth that I was volunteering in.

I went to Pugfest as a volunteer for Wichita Pug Rescue, an organization that I’ve been involved with for about 10 years and have adopted two Pugs from. My job at Pugfest was to run our kissing booth. I’ve never run the kissing booth at Pugfest, so I got a little training from more senior Kansas Pug officials before the event actually started.

I was to tell people that these Pugs are our world famous kissing Pugs. The Pugs will sell you a kiss for 50 cents, or you can pet them and cuddle them all you want for free. All the money raised goes to help rescue Pugs. 

There were four dogs in the kissing booth, including my two Pugs, Chief, who is 2 and who I just adopted in March, and Pickles, who is 9 and has the most adorable gray face and longest tongue you’ve ever seen. (I’ll talk about Pickles in a future blog post.)

There were three pre-teen girls in this group on Saturday afternoon and their Mom was with them as well. The girls liked Chief immediately. To be honest, every girl likes Chief and Chief likes every girl he meets. 

My boy Pug is a total womanizer and he can pretty much get any girl’s attention without much effort. Chief is show stoppingly beautiful. 

He knows it. 

He even flaunts it. 

So the girls turn their attention to Chief. One of the girls, who is dressed super cute with her hair and makeup done perfectly with gorgeous manicured nails, says to my dog: “Hi Chief. I like your eyeshadow. Nice wing.”

I didn’t miss a beat and I immediately asked the girls if they were Taylor Swift fans. The middle kid said yes, and her and her Mom immediately started grinning because they both knew what I was about to say. 

My response: “His cat eye is sharp enough to kill a man.”

And then I laughed so hard I don’t think I’ve ever laughed harder in my life. All four of us were rolling with laughter and for about 30 seconds or so, none of us could speak a coherent word. It was just a bunch of girls giggling about my boy Pug’s perfect eyeliner. 

When people at Pugfest asked me how and why I named him Chief, I asked if they were fans of country music, and when they said yes, I got to explain that I actually named my dog after my favorite country guy, Eric Church.

In one weekend in Kentucky, I managed to combine all of the things that I’m addicted to in life: Pugs, Taylor Swift and Eric Church.

This will be one of many blog posts I write about Pugfest. I’m actually shocked that I didn’t lose any Facebook friends over the weekend from my incessant posting about everything Pug related. 

Future blog posts might involve the story about how Pickles stole a sandwich, the list of crimes that Chief has committed in his four months with me, the story of Chief winning second place in his race when he was snoring in my lap literally two minutes before the race started, about how cool it is to volunteer for the actual Pugfest event itself, and a list of all the cool Pug names that I heard.

And then I’ll probably write about the dog bar we went to on Saturday night, where Pickles hit on every single man that she saw and where Chief earned a reputation for being the only Pug brave enough to run with the big dogs. That dog bar was probably the happiest three hours of my whole entire life.

One more thing about my Chiefy: I only met three Pugs at Pugfest bigger than him. Chief is a beefy boy. 

It turns out it’s actually socially acceptable to walk around Pugfest and ask total strangers from all over the country how much their boy Pugs weigh. A group of us were all doing the same thing, and every one of us basically had the same response.

Our response? 

I like big Pugs and I cannot lie. You other brothers can’t deny…Red beans and rice didn’t miss ya.