I think that this is when it's over for me

I love me some petty drama, especially if it doesn’t impact my personal life at all.

On Valentine’s Day, a certain country singer released a break up album about her divorce. Please note that I’ve never been married (or divorced) and I pretty much gave up on dating since the last guy did me in, but more on that later.

For people who don’t speak country music: Guy and girl got divorced. Guy released a heartbreak song first, which made a lot of people, myself included, pretty much hate the girl in the scenario.

Justified? Absolutely not. But feelings are feelings and OMG, she broke his heart!

And then she released new music on Valentine’s Day. I love the pettiness of breakup music on Valentine’s Day. At the moment I decided to give her new music a listen, I had just read a Facebook update from a single friend, wishing everyone a very happy Independence Day on Feb. 14. 

I about died of laughter. It was a fantastic moment.

So this blog post is about the moment I knew it was over in one relationship.

Is this personal? Yes, but it needs to be told. Why? One, I'm pretty sure I have written about this moment in the past. Two, men need to know that it's not okay to cheat and to be on dating apps when you're dating a girl for six months and taking her home to meet your family for the holidays.

Not. Okay.

Third: When we write about the things, we heal from the things.

--

There are things I know now that I didn’t know then. At the time this happened in my life, I was very much in love and I wanted my relationship to work out. 

Hindsight is always 20/20.

It was late at night, or early in the morning, depending on your attitude about late nights. We hadn’t fought at all that day or night, and we were having a perfectly normal conversation. About what, I don’t remember. 

(I wish I remembered the last moments of that relationship, but at the time, I didn’t know they were the lasts. That’s probably another story entirely.)

I went to touch his hair, which was something I did often. This was completely normal to me. He slapped my arm away from him before my hand reached his hair. 

Physically, he slapped my arm away from him.

I immediately got up and left. 

The cheating and lying part did not make me leave. Why? I don’t know, but it probably has something to do with the fact that it didn’t happen right in front of my face. I never saw her or talked to her — she was just this imaginary, mythological creature that we fought about constantly. (Me: Please stop. Him: No. Me: But I said please. Him: No.)

I looked around his place and I knew that would be the last time that I would ever step foot in his apartment again.

I said goodbye to him and his things mentally, and then I got in my car in his driveway. As soon as I turned the ignition, I started crying as soon as I heard the song that was playing over my speakers.

It was Eric Church’s song Some of It. What brought me to tears was the part of the song that was playing:

What really makes you a man

Is being true to her

‘Til your glass runs out of sand

That was the moment I knew it was over for me. All it took was a slap on the arm, Eric Church singing about being true to a woman, and I booked it out of there so fast I could not leave fast enough.

The song Mountain With A View has been all over TikTok the past few days. Women are sharing their stories about the moment they realized it was over, and I think there’s a whole new generation of women who are just now learning, through this music, that leaving a man doesn’t mean that you failed. It just means that you love yourself more than the pain he put you through.

That’s a hard lesson to learn. 

I think that this is when I cut the tie loose

I think that is when I set myself free

One day you’ll ask, “When was it over for you?”

I think that this is when it was over for me.

--

So what happened to him? 

I don't care.

So what happened to me?

Short story long: I did everything that I wanted to do, and I did it on my own. 

Top 10 List

I am getting dangerously close to 50,000 blog views on thishereblog.

I'm pretty excited about that. I remember when I was excited to hit 6,000 views. Also, most of them are probably my parents (hi Mom and Dad!). 

I thought I'd walk you through a little history of thishereblog first, before we delve into what really matters here, which is music.

First off: My most read blog post ever, of all time, is a story about how Eric Church stole my sharpie. 

That makes me laugh so hard, you have no idea. :) 

I have blog views from 29 states and 11 countries. I don't know anyone from out of the country, but if you're reading, this, hi! Welcome to my little piece of Kansas.

---

I started this blog when I switched from working in journalism to working in marketing and public relations. As a newspaper reporter, you write all day, every day. 

In marketing and public relations, you don't write as much. Maybe you write something twice a week, or twice a month. 

The idea behind starting my blog was to keep up writing personally, that way I would never lose it professionally. But the thing is, guys, I will never lose it professionally (or personally). It's something I've always done and will continue to do for the rest of my days.

---

This is a post I've been pretty excited to write about. 

My Dad and I talk about this pretty often. We throw around songs and try to name our top five favorite songs of all time, from any artist, ever.

I'm going to name my top 10 songs for this blog post, and then go into other people's Top 10 list in another blog post. 

I also enjoy getting to know everyone's pissed off song. (Mine is Misery by Soul Asylum. My brother's is Leave me Alone by Hopsin.) So feel free to throw me your favorite pissed off song my way if you read this.

---

Here are my top 10 favorite songs, in order. I'll include a brief explanation of why each song is on the list. 

1. Sweet Emotion - Aerosmith

The year was 1998, and the Armageddon movie, and its soundtrack, came out. My middle school friends and I loved the movie, and we bought the soundtrack on CD. I remember who was there that day, where we were, and the color of the walls when I first heard this song on that soundtrack.

The moment I heard this song is the moment I fell in love with music. My Dad has a really funny and embarrassing story about how I came home from that friend's house and told him about this new band I just heard. 

That new band? 

"It's this new band, Dad, called Aerosmith!"

I was 12, guys. I didn't know any better. 

My life hasn't been the same since. 

---

2. Love Without End, Amen

I don't know about the whole marriage thing, but if I ever find someone willing to put up with me forever, this would be my Dad-daughter dance song. 

It will likely never happen, but I still hold a little bit of hope that it might.

A tiny bit of hope. It's microscopic, but it's there. And it's my favorite George Strait song ever.

Daddies don't just love their children every now and then. It's a love without end, Amen.

---

3. Record Year - Eric Church

This is the song that first got me hooked on Eric Church's music. I've written about it plenty before, but when I figured out that this song is a break up song, it changed my life. 

It saved my life. 

As with a lot of his music, this song found me after a break up. I could give you the details, but in the end, how and why the relationship ended doesn't really matter. (For the record, he married the girl he cheated on me with.)

She got a husband who will probably cheat again. 

I got Eric Church.

I win. 

Front row in Denver. My heart is full.

---

4. Carry On My Wayward Son

My nickname in college was Kansas for a summer. Every time I hear this song, I'm 22 years old again. I'm singing this song at a karaoke bar, I'm drunk, I'm not sure where my cell phone or purse is, but I'm singing this song surrounded by my buddies and I really don't care about anything else in life.

Because the Kansas girl is singing Kansas. 

Don't you cry no more.

---

5. Along Came You - John McCutcheon

I went to college in a little town in Kansas called Winfield, which has a pretty big bluegrass festival. I'd never listened to bluegrass music before, but my Dad came to town and took a friend and I to this festival while I lived there.

Along Came You has been my favorite love song since. 

Along came you, just when I thought my whole life was through. Never believed there was more than I knew, then along came you. 

---

6. Some of It - Eric Church

This shouldn't surprise anyone, but I have another break up story involving Eric Church's music. Shocking, right?

The guy I was dating had been talking to his ex-girlfriend from years earlier, and was planning to meet up with her. I begged him not to and to stop talking to her. (It turns out that if you have to beg your boyfriend not to cheat on you, he's probably not marriage material.)

"She just wants a shoulder to cry on," he told me.

Yeah, buddy, that's not what she wants to cry on.

I got pissed off one night and left his place, for the last time. Before I left, I stood in his living room for a few minutes to see if he would get up and try to stop me from leaving.

He didn't.

There's a feeling you have when you leave someone for the final time. I looked around his place, at his very nice things, thought of his very nice and new truck, and I thought to myself: I can't believe I will never see any of this again.

I went out to my car and turned the ignition on.

Eric Church's beautiful voice sang to me: "What really makes you a man, is being true to her 'til your glass runs out of sand."

It's funny how music finds you when you need it most. 

---

7. Mississippi Queen - Mountain

I found this song because it's one of my Dad's favorite songs. I don't think I need to explain it, but everything about this song is perfect and beautiful.

---

8. Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen

I don't think I need to explain this one to anyone. My favorite text message to send to people when we're talking about stormy weather: Thunder bolts and lightning, very very frightening.

:)

---

9. Where the Green Grass Grows - Tim McGraw

I always played this song in my car when I came home from college. When I hit my home county, when I saw that Ford County sign, I always played this song.

For a while, I lived in a concrete jungle. I hated it and was always excited to come home, where the green grass grows.

I've kind of made a career going to little towns instead of big, sexy cities. That's not surprising, given my love for this song. 

Watch my corn pop up in rows

Spend every night tucked in close to you

---

10. This Cowboy's Hat - Chris LeDoux

I loved Chris LeDoux when I was little. In 1991, when Western Underground came out, I had the cassette tape of it. I played it over and over in my little tape recorder (it was brown and tan, and had a handle on it. It looked like a purse). 

The thing is, though, I was six years old. I didn't know how to flip the tape over to listen to the other side. I asked my older brother to do it, and he never helped me flip the tape over.

He didn't do it one single time. Jerk.

I couldn't figure out how to flip the tape over (I was six!), so I just pressed the rewind button and listened to the same five songs over and over. 

To this day, I still don't listen to the last five songs on Western Underground, because those songs don't mean anything to me.

The first five songs, though? Those songs are my entire childhood. 

Now if your leather jacket means to you what this hat means to me

Then I guess we understand each other, and we'll just let it be

But if you still think it's funny, man you got my back up against the wall

And if you touch my hat, you're gonna have to fight us all.

I cried over an email about potatoes.

For the last three days, I've avoided my laptop.

In my last blog post, I promised that I would write about potatoes and Chris LeDoux. I'm not one to break a promise, so this blog post is me keeping my word.

This is going to be a hard one to write. Yes, it's about potatoes, but oftentimes in life, there's more to it than that.

This happened a while back. When I think about it, I cry.

I've cried every day for three days thinking about this.

We were talking at work today about being vulnerable. I am not a vulnerable person, and I put up so many walls that are made of concrete, that it's ridiculous.

But if people around me can be vulnerable, and if they can talk about hurt and pain, then maybe I can, too.

---

I've been in relationships. I've spent holidays with men, both with my family and their family. I've gotten to know their families, their friends, their hopes for the future, and their pasts. 

A few years ago, I thought I had found the one. I was pretty sure that he was ring shopping and that he was going to get down on one knee.

He didn't. 

At the time this story happened, I didn't know that. I wish I knew then what I know now, but life is cruel and doesn't work like that.

All I knew then was that there a beautiful man that I was very much in love with beside me. I was so happy that it hurt. 

Let’s start at the beginning.

—-

A few years ago, I met a guy. Our second date was a concert, and we went to the bar afterward. We had a corner table on the patio, underneath the stars on a beautiful night, and as he started to drink, his personality started coming out more.

He was nervous at the concert. But at the bar afterward, I fell absolutely head over heals in love with him. Full disclosure here: I fall hard, and I fall fast. I wear my heart on my sleeve. 

I fell for that man that night, in an instant. In a heartbeat. 

We shut the bar down that night, and from then on, I was absolutely hooked on him. He became a drug that I couldn't get enough of. 

That concert date happened over the summer. There was another concert date in one of my favorite cities. There were more bars, more dates, more alcohol, there was listening to music and late night conversations that I'll never forget.

He didn’t stick around.

But before he left, this story happened. And it's honestly what pisses me off most about this relationship.

---

The holidays were approaching, and we (which pretty much means I) decided to spend Thanksgiving with his family and Christmas with my family.

My favorite day of the year is Christmas Eve. I love that day with all my heart, and every time I date a guy around Christmastime, I get really excited that I get to share that day with someone.

I do the same thing on Christmas Eve every year. I go to church with my parents, drive around and look at the luminaries in town, and then I go home and make potatoes for my family's Christmas gathering the next day.

I don't mean to brag, but I can make a pretty mean potato dish. Whether it be scalloped or mashed, my family always looks forward to my potatoes. And there's never any left for me to take home, because that dish is always finished on Christmas day.

Potatoes are my thing.

That particular year, after church, my then-boyfriend and I went back to my house. I went into my kitchen, pulled out my potatoes, and started getting them ready.

My then-boyfriend came into the kitchen and asked me what I was doing. I told him about my potato tradition, and then he asked me if I was going to peel my potatoes.

Guys, I am the laziest person alive. I love potatoes, but I do not have the patience to stand there and peel every single one. I don't care if my family makes fun of me for my "dirty" potatoes that have the skins on them. 

I am way too lazy to peel five to seven pounds of potatoes.

My then-boyfriend asked me if I had a potato peeler. I said yes, opened the drawer to show him, and then he took it out of the drawer.

That man, that beautiful man, stood in my kitchen that night, and he peeled every single potato I had. 

I always buy a five-pound bag, plus a few more, just in case some are bad, or in case I mess something up and need more at the last minute.

I remember it took him a long time to peel them. We put them in the sink with water afterward, and I remember that he took the time to show me each potato to prove to me that there were no skins on them.

That man peeled my potatoes perfectly that night. 

Which, as I think about it, is a really, really intimate thing to do with a girl. No man I've dated had ever shown me that much intimacy as he did that night.

Yes, I'm literally talking about potatoes here. 

We stood in my kitchen for an hour, maybe more, listening to music, laughing, drinking and talking.

He told me that he liked peeling my potatoes, that he liked being with me in that moment, and that he liked doing things like this with me.

I thought he had a ring in his pocket that night.

Our relationship was over three days after Christmas. 

To this day, I can't get over the fact that he stood in my kitchen, peeled my potatoes for an hour, drank wine with me, and then decided he didn't want me.

If the story he sold me was true, his ex-girlfriend came back to Kansas for Christmas. I couldn't compete with her, and it was over, just like that.

Until that night, no one had ever peeled my potatoes for me. No one has since that night. 

He peeled my potatoes, and then he decided to go peel someone else's potatoes. I can't even describe how painful that is to me, still, to this day.

---

I got an email the other day from the U.S. Potato Board, which isn't that shocking, as I worked in agriculture for almost 10 years. When I got that email, I cried.

I cried over an email about potatoes.

Maybe one day I'll write a story about man who peels potatoes better than he did that night. As of right now, this is where the story ends.

If you have someone in your life who shows you that level of intimacy, please, for my sake, be grateful for it. Don’t take it for granted.

Dating advice from Monica

Why don't you put that fucking phone down?
Darling, so we could be alone now
Can't you just be here when the lights go out
Why don't you ever put that phone down?
What could be so goddamn important
That it can't wait until the morning?

My life advice: ANOTHER WOMAN. THAT'S WHAT'S SO GODDAMN IMPORTANT.

I listened to this song this morning and laughed. And now it's stuck in my head. 

I'd be down for that.

I love Humans of New York. 

“My story didn’t turn out like I thought. Without going into it, I’ll just say that I’m a lot more alone than I thought I’d be at this point. But I’ve also learned that I’m a lot stronger than I realized, and I’m proud of myself for that. We took a beach trip recently. I got us all packed up, drove us there, and we had a great day--- all by ourselves. On the ride home, I remember thinking: ‘I got this.’”

One of the comments: Women: you never know how strong you are until being strong is your only option. 

Another Humans of New York story that I love: “I’ve been trying the online dating thing, but I’m an outgoing person, so I always imagined meeting someone naturally. I guess I just thought one day someone would sit next to me and strike up a conversation. If somebody walked up to me right now and said, ‘Let’s go explore,’ I’d totally be down for that.”

The comments are overwhelmingly positive:

Go talk to the guy sitting behind you! Don't wait around, make it happen 

This was me. Outgoing and active, I went to wine tastings and the bookstore and running club and never struck up a conversation of meaning. I did online dating and met the man that lived a few blocks away. I biked and ran past his house many times. We're getting married next month. It doesn't matter how you find that partner.

Anyone would be lucky to date her

Don't be afraid to be THAT person too!! Someone may be waiting for that same thing

There's a guy next to you probably thinking the same.

Tell the universe what you want in a man... Like you would a dress. This color. This size. These sleeves. And know that your dress... YOUR man... Exists. And is looking for YOU. And is on his way to you even now. And needs you, for all that you bring... Just and much as that dress needs you to make it look fantastic on.

I think we're all waiting for someone else to take the risk... We need to buck up and have brave hearts.