And then my heart exploded.

Picture this:

There's an adorable 1-year-old boy walking around, with a totally confused look on his face.

He looks at me.

"Mama?"

Please note that I keep telling him that his Mama will be back, and that I'm watching him for a few hours.

His 3-year old sister steps in to help me.

3-year-old: “Don’t worry, that’s Monca. I know her. She’ll take good care of us.”

And then my heart exploded.

From the mouths of babes.

"Monta, I know how to go to preschool."

"Monta, my teeth are shinier than yours." (I know, child. I know.)

Monta, why are you wearing that necklace?
Because it matches my shirt.
No it doesn't.

:)

This is a nightmare.

A couple of weeks ago, my phone rang.

On the other end was best friend, wanting to know if I'd watch her kids so her and her husband could have a date night for our town's annual celebration.

Of course, I said.

She has two kids that are adorable. Her 3-year-old daughter, A, is the same age as one of my nieces, and I get a huge kick out of hanging out with her.

Once her Mommy and Daddy left, we started talking about best friends. Little A told me about her best friend in school. Then I explained to her that her Mommy and I have known each other since we were little girls.

Little A was interested in that conversation.

"Do you love my Mommy?"

Well of course I do, I told her. I've known your Mommy for a really long time. We grew up together and played together when we were little.

"Do you love my Daddy?"

I wasn't expecting this question, so I tried to play it off as cool as I possibly could. Of course I love your Daddy. He makes your Mommy really happy.

Little A would not let go of this conversation.

"You love my Daddy?"

Well, little girl, yes. He takes care of your Mommy, you and your little brother.

"How much do you love my Daddy?"

She asked various forms of this question to me about 82 times that night. This warranted an immediate text message to her Mommy, warning her that my love for her husband might be taken out of context from a 3-year-old.

In my head, I'm sitting there thinking to myself that this adorable little girl is going to go to school on Monday and tell everyone that a woman came over to her house, without her Mommy there, and told her how much she loved her Daddy.

This is a nightmare.

And then A's little brother started to fuss in his crib. I turned on the baby monitor, only to discover a child with arms and legs, but no head showing on the screen.

I turned on the flashlight app on my phone and peeked in his room, and my only goal was to make sure the child still had a head.

I wish I was kidding.

The baby gave me a weird look, I patted him on the back and told him it was okay, then shut the door.

A few days later, my friend told me that her daughter overheard a conversation in their house. Her husband was going out of town for work, and little A had a question for them. She wanted to know if her Daddy was going out of town "with Monica?"

I'm glad I made a lasting impression on her. But secretly I'm just really just happy that both kids have heads.

Close enough

I had a pretty cute playdate with a 2-year-old over the weekend.

When we lined her stuffed animals up, she surprised me by counting them.

"One, two, three, four, five, six."

I thought I was in the presence of the smartest 2-year-old ever. I asked her how old she was.

"Five."

Nope, kid. Try again.

"Three."

She has a birthday coming up, so I figured that's close enough.

:)

Dude, you're 2.

Picture this:

Three little girls, their aunt and Grandma are eating snow cones outside when it's about a million degrees out.

We go back to Grandma's, and I pull out my phone to show Grandma videos of Eric Church that I took at the concert last week.

My adorable, brilliant and beautiful 2-year-old niece looks at the video.

"Where Monta?"

Grandma looked at me.

"Monta's right there," Grandma said, as she pointed to a male camera man in my video.

(Monta = Monica in 2-year-old speak)

The 2-year-old doesn't know any better. She bought the story we were selling her.

And then the brilliant 2-year-old had another question.

"Where me?"

Uh, what do you mean, child?

"Where me?" she said, as the pointed to the video of a concert that was in another state that I did not invite her to.

Dude, you're 2. You did not go to the concert with Aunt Monica.

She looks confused and says, "Why not?"

I think I might have a concert buddy in the future.

2-year-old

"Monta! I'm so happy you're here!"

- My favorite 2-year-old blond little girl with the same last name as me.

Sometimes you need talk to a 2-year-old to understand life again.

Cute kid stories.

Two cute thing happened this week.

Yesterday, I drove and and noticed two little neighbor girls standing on the corner. They weren't moving, which I thought was weird, but I waved to them, said hi, and then got my groceries out of my car.

One of the girls spoke up.

"We're statues," she told me. "We can't move."

I looked over at them, and they were, in fact, posed weird, and they weren't moving.

I laughed and told them they were pretty good statues.

The second statue never did talk to me.

I guess some statues can talk, and others can't?

-----

I made a lunch run by my Mom and Dad's house, partially because I was in the neighborhood, and mostly because they have food and I was hangry.

I asked my little curly-haired niece how she got a scratch on her face.

Her response: "A monster bit me."

I hate it when monsters do that!

Please note, this is the same child that I've kicked ghosts for. I guess I need to look around the neighborhood for monsters so I can kick their ass, too.

Child, in case you forgot, I will protect you from whatever scares you. Forever.

You did not win pie, flies, or fries.

I've been out of state for the past few days.

I really only wanted one thing. When I got home, I wanted to give the coolest toddlers I know big huge hugs.

One toddler hugged me. The other one told me "no."

Well, I'll settle for one hug, then.

It turns out, the curly-haired kid won a coloring contest that I helped her enter for my town's yearly festival/celebration. Said curly-haired child won a gift card to an ice cream place in town.

That's big, guys!

When I got back into town, I immediately drove to my mom's house. The twins were jumping on the bed in one of the spare bedrooms.

I asked them if they had heard the story about the monkeys jumping on the bed. And then I held their hands so they could jump higher.

"One jump! Two jump! Three jump! Four jump!"

They're brilliant.

-----

I told the curly-haired kid that she won a prize, and that we were going to go bye bye to get the prize.

Her response: "Flies."

Me: "No, you did not win flies. You won a prize."

"Fries."

Me: "No, you didn't win fries. You won a prize."

Her sister, who was busy bouncing up and down on the bed: "Pies!"

Me: "You guys are impossible. You did not win pie, flies, or fries. You won a prize."

-----

I took the curly-haired kid to the mall to claim her prize. Or flies, whatever.

There was a line at the cash register in the store. To occupy time, I started quizzing my niece.

How old are you?

Two.

How old am I?

Two.

How old is Grandma?

Two.

How old is Grandpa?

Two.

How old is your sister?

Two.

How old is your little sister?

Two.

How old is Penny?

Two.

How old is Mommy?

Two.

How old is Daddy?

Two.

How old is God?

Two.

Are you sick of these questions?

Otay.

-----

After waiting in line for  a few minutes, my little curly-haired niece, who was wearing a pink girly skirt, let out the loudest fart I've ever heard come out of her little body.

She looked up on me, still holding my hand.

"I toot."

My response: "I heard."

-----

There was an older guy waiting in line behind us at the store. He told us that no one told him there was a coloring competition, and that he'd have to enter it next year.

Then he looked at the adorable little girl holding my hand. He said something along the lines of, well, the competition looks pretty stiff.

Curly-haired kid had no idea what he was talking about. To pass the time, she started jumping.

Don't you jump in the mall?

-----

After we collected our prize, I took her to another store in the mall. My niece liked two things: A puppy backpack, and a Ma Mouse* backpack.

We settled on Ma Mouse.

I showed her how to put her gift card in her backpack. She wore it walking out of the mall.

On the way out, we passed the older gentleman who apparently wanted to enter the coloring contest next year.

He told my curly-haired niece that she better look out next year.

She gave him a weird look.

Then he said something like: "I don't know if I even have a chance against her."

My response: "You don't."

*Ma Mouse = Mickey Mouse in toddler speak.

Things I've actually said today

Do we throw pizza?

Don't put the dog food in the dog water.

Don't throw the dog food in the trash can.

Don't feed the dog play dough.

The dog is going to have blue poop tomorrow.

What happened to your pants?

Context: My 2-year-old nieces are the coolest toddlers I know.