Those I’ve Loved

There’s a song that always hits me in the emotions at concerts and as soon as I hear the fair few chords, I know the tears are going to come soon.

That song is Those I’ve Loved. 

The song has the word ‘Denver’ in it, so I expect to hear it  Colorado. I was not emotionally prepared to hear it in St. Louis. It punched me in the gut.

The song goes ‘I wouldn’t be who I am today if not for those I’ve loved along the way.’

At the concert, I started bawling. I don’t cry much anymore, if not ever. For the past couple of years, I’ e struggled so much with anxiety, depression and PTSD and the crying factory has closed since then.

On Saturday night, I thought about the guy who I thought was going to propose on Christmas Eve one year. We danced and cooked in my kitchen and drank wine and I thought buddy, this moment is perfect and you are perfect and I hope that ring in your pocket is perfect, too.

We broke up two days later.

I thought about the guy who married the girl he cheated on me with. And then I thought about the guy whose family was fantastic but we just weren’t right for each other.

Part of the song: “I don’t regret the day that she became one of those I’ve loved along the way.”

And now I’m crying. 

When I hear that song I think about people I’ve fought with and fired from my life. I think about my family, people who used to be friends and a ton of other people too.

I didn’t even try to wipe the tears away at the concert. Emotions are weird and the sad ones have a way of showing up during happy ones sometimes. 

So one February night in St. Louis, I just let the tears fall. Getting emotions out, finally, is healthy. 

I think. 

The song: “She was my best friend, and it broke my heart the day that she became one of those I’ve loved along the way.”

I’m going to go cry now.