I slept less than two hours the night before. In the waiting area, my feet were shaking, a nervous habit I have. My fingernails were also gone.
But this blog post isn't about my medical appointment.
Wait, I bet you're probably confused. Why would I be writing something about my medical appointment that doesn't involve my medical appointment? What could have happened that could lead to a blog post? What happened there that could lead to a really good story?
I'm struggling with writing this. Instead of using my own words, I'm going to borrow words from my Mom, who is currently in a hotel room about five feet away from me.
"It was the funniest doctor visit I've ever gone to. Oh my God."
Wait. What?
The important part of this story involves how nervous I was and that there was a television in the corner of the waiting area.
It gets better. Just keep reading.
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It started out innocent enough. The channel in the waiting area was turned to a home shopping channel.
Mom note: My Mom thinks it's important for me to mention that the lady on tv was Rhonda Shear on HSN.
She was selling crock pots, and they were demonstrating how to make a cake in them.
The waiting area, dimly lit in a corner of the fifth floor of the building, was filling up pretty fast. The old ladies were talking about making cakes in crock pots.
Another mom quote: "The panties had lace on them. Oh my God, it was priceless."
How can one story and one doctor's visit involve crock pots, butts, and panties?
While I was sitting in the waiting area, the home shopping channel started selling bras.
The second I knew what they were selling, I knew what my Mom was thinking. We were thinking the same thing, and we were both trying really hard to keep our shit together in a room full of people with defective colons.
I specifically tried to not look at her. I looked at the floor, I looked at the ceiling, the stack of magazines on the chair across from me. I studied the people in the room, including the old guy sitting next to me, who was probably in his 80s.
I knew if I looked at my Mom, I would lose it. I knew that because she was loosing it. Her hand was covering her mouth, and she was THISCLOSE to cracking up and laughing uncontrollably.
It was silent in the waiting area. It was calm, quiet and peaceful.
The situation was made worse by the fact that the wife of the guy beside me kept encouraging him to watch tv. She even made him move to the seat beside me so he could face the screen.
And trust me, guys. His eyes were glued to that tv screen. I mean, GLUED.
TO BRAS.
The ladies on tv were discussing every single benefit of these bras, and what they do for your girls. It was not a short presentation. They went in depth.
IN DEPTH. DEEP. DEEP DEEP DEEP.
It turns out that I'm not perfect. I looked at my Mom, and she looked back at me. When we made eye contact, we both came unglued. We had no control over our giggling. It just...happened. It was as involuntary as my colon issues, and I could not control it.
They called my name to go to the exam room. I went, laughing.
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I came out of the exam room, and my Mom and I left as soon as we possibly could. We marathoned it out of there.
In the hallway, we lost it. Apparently after I went into the exam room, the home shopping channel started selling panties.
I regret that I missed the panties because I had to talk to people about my butt.
In the hallway, I threw my hands up in the air and leaned against the wall. I couldn't stand up straight. Life was just too much. I COULDN'T EVEN.
This moment discussing bras and panties was just too much for my little brain to handle.
Sometimes I honestly wonder if I will ever run out of things to write about for my blog. And then these things happen, and I realize that I will never run out of stories to tell.
My Mom said something to me like, you know, it sucks that life led you here, but I'm really glad it did because that moment was priceless.
My life was made the first day of a four-day long road trip.
As we got in the car to head east, something like this might have been said: "This is going to be the best trip ever. I wonder what's in store for us next?"
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We tried to call my Dad and tell him about how special that appointment was, but it turns out we were both laughing so hard he couldn't really understand us.
You only need to know this: Butts, surgeons, televisions, old people, bras and panties.
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"Who knew a simple doctor's appointment could end up being about bras and panties."
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Good night and peace out from Saint Louis, lovelies.
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